Embarrassment is human, AKA: lobotomize me already

one of the most intense and driving emotions in the modern day is the feeling of embarrassment. no matter how you may get to feel at one moment, you may quickly succumb to an intense feeling of shame from even the most minuscule of missteps or lapses in judgement. the need to maintain a personal image, even subconsciously, is overpowering to most of us. i am not excluding myself from this.

last night, like most nights, i had spent the last hour or so riding my bicycle around my neighborhood, basking in the passing streetlights and listening to crappy indie music. i was dehydrated, but knew that i would likely end up staying inside if i went back home for a drink. suddenly, i noticed that not too far ahead there was a woman walking her dog. as i rode past her, i turned my head and waved, and then looked back ahead. she gave me a shitty look and kept walking.

i noticed then that i had greatly underestimated how close the curb was. i flew off the front, and ate shit. she turned back and looked at me. she didn’t say anything, she just stared at me. not knowing what to say, i blurted out..

“i… missed.” 

no shit. she turned away and kept walking like she had just been hearing things, but i doubled down.

“have a good night.”

she hesitated, but kept walking.

i awkwardly sat my bike upright, and immediately rode back home, wanting so badly to have said quite literally anything else to this woman. at the same time, i wanted just as bad for her to have said a single word during that “interaction.”

another time a couple years back, i was stuck at one of my mother’s friend’s house-parties. this party in particular was set to last for quite a long time, so i figured i might as well get to know the other kid’s better. i approach two kids, who i believe were brother and sister, and asked then if either of them liked to draw or do something art-related. they immediately shot each other a look that seemed pretty damn negative, and then they both ignored the question and switched the topic. having experienced a similar scenario earlier in the day, now fed up with tedious social norm bullshit, i got into a passive aggressive tangent ending with something like “you could’ve said anything, but you both had to make it awkward.” 

the sister responded with “we’re the ones making it awkward?”

ouch. not my proudest moment. needless to say, i didn’t interact with them for the rest of the night. i’m less of a socially awkward bitch now, but it’s funny that i was.

i drew this unreleased installment of Total burn based on that experience.

i don’t know how some people can live without caring what others think of them.

after all, isn’t that all anyone is?