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god the title pretty much says it all. this blogs gonna be kinda dump/vent thing and kinda messy so feel free to skip/not read.
idk where to start. i guess a little background. in HS i was diagnosed with bpd (borderline personality disorder), and back when i got my diagnosis, i didnt do anything to fix it. i took the pills they gave me, but didnt do anything to change my thinking or actions. in the end, i hurt a lot of people with my outbursts and actions. it caused me to lose my entire friendgroup- an already small circle of the few queer people in my small small town of like 300 people.
it really, really hurt. i spent my senior year of highschool alone, even pulling cliches like eating lunch in the bathroom. i left all my clubs. quit my job. stopped trying to make new friends because almost everyone knew me as the "crazy bitch". and even now, though most of us have "reconciled", we still arent friends again.
i have 2 friends- my boyfriend, and one of the friends who left me senior year. he came around after a ton of apologizing, and we hang out semi-regularly. but thats it, just those two guys. ive spent the last 3/4 years since graduating in nearly complete isolation. its REALLY lonely.
after senior year, i knew i needed to change, and i worked really hard. but honestly i think i went too far. with BPD, the worlds black and white. everythings all good, or all bad, to me especially when im being triggered or upset by something. (for example- best friend does 1 tiny thing upsetting, suddenly they are the worst person in the world and everything was fake. even though logically i know that isnt true, humans are a mix of good and bad, in the moment my emotional response takes control of the logical one.)
i have tried so so hard to avoid being "bad" or "mean" at all because i guess even subconsciously, im worried that (even if its totally deserved) if i act mean, or be bad, ill go right back to being that bad crazy bitch. i dont know if that makes sense to anyone else. and i mean i guess logically i know that nobody in my life would INSTANTLY think im a horrible human if im rude every once in awhile, but to me i am! i am a horrible person if im rude! it feels like im on a tightrope. one slip up and all the work ive done would be gone.
its gotten to a point where im a pushover now. i just want friends so bad, i basically suck off anyone who gives me any attention. i want a connection with people the way i had in highschool. i mean back then, i had like 6 people that at almost any point i could message and theyd want to hangout with me. now, even though im way better of a person than i was, it feels like nobody wants to be around me.
is that selfish to say? i know it is... i know im just being selfish and an attention seeker but i mean i guess thats what i want.. i want attention from people- i want to wake up to texts from friends, sending me memes, making plans, literally anything i just want people to want me back... n so i do whatever i can to be whatevver they need. whether its something i like or not, if they need it, i do it. cause then in the future, maybe theyll think "hey remember when jayde ---? i wonder what shes up to or if shed want to hangout"
but i dont think anyone ever thinks of me that way. idk if anyone ever thinks of me at all. (again selfish i know) i feel like one of those npcs that only spawns when you load in a certain chunk. when nobodies around i just... cease to exist.
im just so tired in a way i cant even explain. i dont know who i am anymore. i dont understand why i cant make friends. i dont get why nobody likes me, when i try so so hard to be likeable. i dont get why even strangers are so mean to me.
i have a lot more i think i could say but i already feel so annoying posting this. maybe itll be in the comments. idk.
this whole thing sounds like an incel rant. ugh. idk.
sorry guys.
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jayde
like is it so hard for everyone else to be nice? i understand people have other things going on in life- i have a million and one things going on in mine, but im not gonna take that out on someone it doesnt even pertain to?
why is it so common/ accepted to be rude to people because youre having a bad day? literally spent 20 minutes crying in the bathroom at work because of my own life problems, fixed my face and went to go help a customer with the biggest smile on my face and greeted him with "hey yall! howre we doin today ? :D" and he responds "get me a damn burger"
.......... why? why are you being mean to me? i know it wasnt something i had done, but why are you taking it out on me? what if i came out here after crying and i took out my frustration and was like "what do you want? :/" youd ask to see my manager.
and passive aggressive comments/ sarcastic comments.... why?! why the hell do we need these things??
coworker "complimented" my hair today. she said "wow your hair is so long!"- i thought she was done so i started to say "oh thanks" and she cuts me off with "and dead! do you dye it yourself??" like.... you couldnt have left it at long?
or the other day, i saw someone i hadnt seen since highschool. first thing they said- "i thought you wouldve killed yourself by now" Wow! Thanks! What do you want me to say! and then they followed it up with "and youve lost so much weight!! not that you were ever 600lb life big, but you were big! howd you do it?!" ..... again, you couldnt have just left it at "you lost so much weight" ? not that thats even a nice thing to say, but like... jesus.
do i have a sign on my back that says "be mean to me please!" or something?? like i feel like the emo kid in a cliche highschool movie who like just runs into one-liner after one-liner from the bullies. like where are the cameras?? this cant be real. has to be a script. who even says that??! and how do i keep running into the weirdos that do?!
its just like... idk. n the coworker who told me to start being mean to stand up for myself, she was like "nobody else cares so why should you?" were only in this mess because nobody cares!! why should i stop caring, the rest of you need to /start/ caring for your neighbors! if everyone is nice, and shows love to those around them, i feel like a lot of problems could be solved.