on practice (or, why i suck)

Not to be confused with: "ON PRACTICE: On the Relation Between Knowledge and Practice, Between Knowing and Doing" by Mao Zedong.

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i feel like most of the problems in my life stem from a lack of practice, a lack of discipline.

i'm a great planner, im just a terrible doer. 

hence the relation between knowing and doing. i'm not here to give my opinions on maoist thought, don't worry, and of course this blog has nothing to do with the content of this particular essay, but i've been feeling the effects of my procrastination so hard these past few weeks, and i feel like this disparity between knowing and doing is very present in procrastination. (even though mao is talking about the dismantling of dogmatism within the communist party, but whatever)

i promised myself id have done a lot more by now yk, as has been my wont...

but the fact is that i feel like im always doing something during the school period, so now that i have some time to relax my brain just doesn't wanna give it away.

but i know i should be doing more

yet i dont

and then i feel terrible about it

so i keep doing things i enjoy to distract myself instead of doing any work

and it just gets worse and worse.

its not critical right now, im not failing anything or putting my career at any major risk, but im scared that'll end up happening if i go on like this.

i've tried to justify it by saying i work better under pressure but i honestly don't know that i do at this point.

i have this essay i should hand in tomorrow but the teacher already told me one of my arguments is weak and i should change it but i have no idea what to change it to so i haven't even opened the document in like a week. i have no idea what i'm doing. 

i really hope everything im doing is worth it. i hope this leads to a happy, fulfilling life.

am i putting too much pressure on myself? i mean i haven't even graduated yet

less than six months left though...

then its college apps and entrance exams and visas and this and that.

im just trying to find a way to connect what i know i need to do with the desire to do those things

the never ending task

unchanging forevermore (?)