[ daily recap ] treading lightly on this clover-lawned world

hi friends!

today was very intense- I'm not sure if it was similar for you all but at school everybody just seemed so irritated & more short-fused than usual. we've had a big increase in outbursts & squabbling & even just general noises (like yelling & commotion from running). I'm in the midst of it currently seeing as it's wednesday, but it is getting to me a little bit. I got triggered about halfway through period five & then spent period six feeling like a mess for a reason unapparent to me (I also got hiccups halfway through said sixth period; which can apparently be a warning that somebody is gossiping about you. this would turn out to be true when my mother worked to remove that bad feeling from me. I am not surprised that people are talking badly about me; it's high school, it happens. so long as my friends are true to me, I do not care for what anybody may say. they do not know me anyway; I am changing again, & tomorrow I will be gone from their view.) 

anyway, up until a short while ago I felt pretty terrible due to that feeling of 'something just went really wrong but I can't figure out what & I can't rationalise my way out of it'. I contemplated getting off of the bus early & walking to the lookout atop a headland & playing the khomus until the sun set & I felt better, which felt like a wonderful idea, & I was thus very excited about, only to realise (as if it were new information to me rather than a remembering) that I do not actually own a khomus & then I *chuckles* had to sit sadly for the rest of the ride home. sidenote, today's preferred khomus is the one olena uutai was selling titled 'wolf fang' in 'c'. audio sample here. I know that it does not have any interesting engravings but I am enamoured by it for its beautifully balanced & dynamic sound, alongside its perfect size & construction that leaves me feeling more confident in its reliability than a tartakov (sorry). I figure that I could decorate it in a similar manner to the lovely german grandmother who killed it on the khomus in a previous bulletin. 

because I sadly am not in possession of that wonderful instrument, I instead turned to finding khomus for meditation on youtube. which apparently scarcely exists! the reason I was after the khomus in particular (aside from snobbery) was because of its healing properties (according to the sakha people at least); I find that most other jaw harps do not offer me the richness that I need (& for this reason I could not see myself playing any other variety, even if they were far cheaper). after a fair bit of searching I managed to find this video (skip to 5:55 if you are not a russian speaker), which had exactly what I was after! it seems that, like most other khomus-related desires of mine, I will have to forge my own path if I am to find what I seek. 

I think that we tend to get complacent when it comes to finding things online; & after losing a quote I found on pinterest that I found very thought-provoking but not until after I'd clicked away from the page it was on (had I clicked on it as its own page I'd have found it easily), then failing to find its image, I was indeed reminded that the world does not have to bend to my whims. I was lucky enough, though, to find the quote in question, which reads (& is an interpretation of the original, mind you):

"colours blind the eye.

sounds deafen the ear.

flavours numb the taste.

thoughts weaken the mind.

desires wither the heart."

-lao tsu

it is so wonderful & meaningful that I may make it a mantra of mine. I am still investigating the whole 'finding everything in nothing' concept of buddhism (or taoism in this case), & am turning again to the advice of buddhist monks for self-mastery, but moreso than that, being able to be centred & peaceful again. I wish for a life more involved in the everyday but more detached from its outcomes. nay, I ought not to wish. I am trying to bring it into being. (I am grateful to be). I shall soon resume my reading of a book about opening one's heart, a very profound one, & hopefully I will be able to show up in the way that I wish to. it is difficult when those around one are so set in who they believe themselves to be, & how they believe that the world works, that they are openly hostile to anybody who challenges it (or hell, gets in the way of them being terrible), as expressed through gossip. & I say this as someone who used to gossip more than she breathed. it is not as fun, anymore, to verbally condemn people just to pass the time. there are more healing & joyful ways to build solidarity & connection. & more importantly than that, I hold myself to a higher standard than that now. 

oh! speaking of higher standards, here's a list of what I'm giving up, in order to start practicing discipline again (bonus because it'll be in a way that pays dividends rather than just ... makes me frustrated):

• chocolate (doing this with one of my best friends, so that we hold each other accountable. she's doing it for a week, I, for three; though it may be that thing that I give up for 10 years as part of dr. k's suggestion in this video)
• picking the skin on my face (I'm a bit of a pimplehead but half of my issue realistically is that I always pop my pimples & make them look & feel worse than they need to be. so I am giving that up, too, & my aforementioned best friend will hold me accountable. it is working much better than holding myself accountable; because whenever I feel the urge to pick I go "no, (name) will see that you've done it & will tell you off. don't let her down"- which actually works.)
• seed oils (firestorm incoming. yes, I'm one of those people. I mewed before it was cool. it makes my skin really greasy, has likely contributed to my weight gain, & makes me feel guilty. I don't need to repair my relationship with it because it's poisonous. additionally, this will go nicely with the other two in terms of clearing up my skin; without doing this alongside, this whole operation would likely not yield meaningful results. my friend is NOT holding me accountable for this, but because of its links with the other two, I will be able to hold myself accountable- for once.) 

before I sign off, I would like to gush that, in addition to all of this, I am also finally properly using the nice little skincare products my family bought me for my birthday (they may have asked me what I wanted, but I was not comfortable with asking for a khomus, & did not want anything else. I feel kind of bad about it now, but I was very unwell then, so... I did my best with my best, I suppose.), which make me feel very pretty, airy, & fresh! they are japanese & have hyaluronic acid in them, the chemical that everyone goes bananas over because it's good for acne, so maybe I'm not going crazy by saying that I am, maybe, already, starting to see results from using them. 

that is all for now ! to summarise, I am becoming the unmoving river stone in the flood water-world. & while I'm at it, I may even become smooth. oh! by the way, today's song of the day is 'toyuk', however I cannot decide whether I prefer olena uutai's or suor's version, so please do listen to both! I've no idea what it is about, but it is clearly something very important to the both of them, because I can hear the seriousness & sorrow when they sing it, which in turn made me emotional, but in such a profound way. it reminds me of the feeling one gets after crying from overcoming something terrible, & knowing that it will get better from here on out. I hope that, this week, you all can overcome your terrible something. I hope that it will get better for you. I hope for you to be well & happy. I love you so much, even if I don't see you so often anymore. ♡