June 25th 2024

I haven't written in a long, long time.  Since April a few things have happened, most are wonderful while others are, not so much.  I think that I will make a sandwich of things, some good, some bad, and the rest good so that I do not leave this update with a sour taste.  

To start, my summer classes have started; they are actually going to come to an end soon.  I have been doing a lot better this semester compared to last.  Last semester I struggled and barely passed by the skin of my teeth.  This semester has been much easier as the math class that I am taking is in person and not just online.  I am actually skipping my math class today.  I ace most of my homework though the tests are a different story.  I failed my past test but I still have a "C" in the class because of my attendance and homework.  In light of my new summer classes I also have new summer work hours.  On days that I do not have class I work from 7:15 to 4:45.  It may seem like a long day but I actually like going to work earlier and leaving earlier as well; I despise closing.  On days that I do have class my hours are 11:30 to 5:15.  I do not get lunch breaks on these days but that was my choice since I did not want to waste so much of my vacation time on school.

Speaking of work, I am in a new room for the summer.  During the summer I am with a different age group compared to during the school year.  This summer I am with the three's compared to being with transition two's since last summer.  It is as refreshing as it is challenging with a new age group to get accustomed to.  I made a mistake back in the fall; for Halloween I crocheted one of my coworkers a baby Roo costume for her newborn.  Ever since then, the director keeps messaging me different things and asking if I could crochet them for her.  I'm not the best at crochet, still can't read a pattern, I just watch YouTube tutorials.  I believe she is getting tired of me denying her because yesterday she let me out much later than my usual time.  I'm not too upset as it earns me more vacation time but I had plans that I had to cancel because of how late she let me off.

I assume I should start talking about the not so good things before I finish on the good things.  I relapsed in May.  I moved out with my lover and I can only assume that that was what attributed to my relapse.  I began purging and counting calories heavily again.  Only this past weekend did I decide to break the cycle before it got to the point that it did before.  I am still fighting to have a normal relationship with food, and honestly I don't think I ever will at this point.  I still meal plan, thought I deleted all of my diet tracking apps just in case.  I only help that this freedom will last a long time, longer than the last at least.

Now I am struggling with the extreme hunger.  It is uncomfortable, to say the least, to let go of my mind and its endless calculator to only find myself always hungry.  It was easier to ignore when ignoring it made me feel powerful.  Ignoring it now only makes me feel guilty but if I give into it I will eat my lover and I out of house and home.  I have recovered before and I know it will only last a week or two but I desperately do not want to give into it.

More good news, I moved out finally!  I thought the day would never come where I would be living with my lover in a small house without my family but it did.  We were lucky.  His grandfather is renting us his old house for only $450 a month, not including utilities.  I pay rent and he pays for the utilities, groceries, and fun outings.  He makes in a week what I make in two weeks as well as rent is twice as much as utilities so it is only fair.  The only problems we really have is that he calls me a picky eater, which I guess I am.

He knows that I am recovering from an eating disorder, and for some reason he and both of our families believe that I am on the spectrum, so for while he let me have my safe foods.  I guess I was being too picky when he found out my dislike for most bread, meats, and all pastas except for alfredo.  He is the one buying groceries so I let him do most of the picking for what we get but he is still leniant on my picky eating.

In other good news, I saw Melanie Martinez in concert in the beginning of the month!  The first of June me and a coworker drove up to Baltimore to see her.  We were both ecstatic to see her as we have both listened to her for nearly ten years.  The concert was great but we ended up leaving during Portals because neither of us were huge fans of that album as well as I did not pay for overnight parking so we had to hurry and get back to the parking garage before they were closed and we were stuck there until Monday.

I believe that is all I have to say for now.  People on TikTok apparently like my music so I started posting covers and my songs on there.  It feels nice to know that more than just one friend of mine likes my music.