Tiredness of the yearning to be acknowledged

I seemed to be tired lately, life seemed to be good for a moment and maybe for more, 

But it’s the things that mean most that get me, 

The small aggression, the small act of favoritism, the expectations, the act of being ignored,

So I stopped, I stopped feeling so dedicated to others, their words mean nothing,

As a writer, I may acknowledge words could mean nothing behind them, it’s the act of showing that is meaningful, 

I spent falling over words that meant nothing in comparison to the actions I was shown,

I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, forcing myself to be as happy as I could be when in fact, It was better when I spent my time on my own, reading the hours away, writing until my fingers cramped, and staying up watching things that brought me to tears,

When the thoughts of love disgusted me, now I cry over meaningless messages and no replies,

When I should be accustomed to the feeling of being ignored,  I’ve always thought to erase myself altogether to the god above and wouldn’t waste precious energy on someone so meaningless, 

I always thought to disappear so everyone could be complete,

The way I see myself has always been the way I was treated by others, so when someone asks why am I so despaired or self-conscious I feel the weight of all the lies I say telling them I had no clue,

My personality is made of the way I was quieted down from the loud voice inside me, the way I was put into a corner of expectations when everyone was often afraid I would cause myself harm, but the lack of acknowledgment made me want to harm myself in gruesome ways.

I wanted to scream for an ounce of understanding but I stayed silent like a trained dog.