my worst possible apology poem/song

TW: mentions of death and sh

I'm sorry to all those I have failed, set to the test well at least I'm trying my best. go on your rich vacations while my mom is still paying off her debt. I wish I could be perfect, flawless and desired. souly admired, I wish I could be wanted but I'm haunted by the pain of my past and all the trauma that continues to last. I'm paranoid I am not capable of living, of giving my true effort. I'm not smart like I make myself out to be. I'm no beauty, I'm no brains I'm just here holding the true fear of disappointment and failure or should we just go ahead and call that growing pains? the weight is on my shoulders and I can never live up to my own expectations. burnt out flame, blame me and I'll hold the guilt and shame along the way. It doesn't go away. stuck in my head like needle and im holding on by a thread. so do you listen when you tell yourself your better off dead? I continue to make the same mistakes, I don't learn from my actions and I find myself in a strange state of deja vu everytime I repeat them. the same outcome and reaction every single time. It's hard to tell when I was ever in my prime, a burden always seemingly holding me back. It feels like a personal attack. so I'm sorry I lack your standards and requirements to meet. I have trouble trying to complete the assignments, I have trouble trying to compete to the throne. I'm too busy on my phone. I won't deny it, but when your the 'gifted kid' you are so pressured into keeping your reputation. so throw your childhood away to the education system, the top tier schools won't give you anything more than a psychological evaluation but maybe there is more to it than that. maybe it's the invisible friends we made along the way, hiding ourselves away from the society that calls bullying tough-love nessasary for 'character development' and i'm sorry to speak the truth. school is a hierarchy of kids who don't give two shits and girls who show off their tits. so you spiral into self doubt about if you tried a little harder, if you were a little skinner or a little smarter you could get the same chance. (or are you just trying to get in that guys pants?) so you could enhance the teenage experience. maybe I was just never good enough for them, for anyone. all the guys you like don't care get your delusional ass back to reality. because that's the only presumabe explanation you can come up with when you look in the mirror. do you still hear her? do you still hear her lies? look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. I say I'm honest and I know I promised but sometimes truth isnt always how it seems, I live in my dreams and when I wake up I cry and I don't know why I suddenly want to die. will I ever be happy or satisfied with my life for once? I don't want to be average. this is no mad libs, I just want to fit in. I just want to be okay I just want to relax and know that at the end of the day I can walk away and be proud. because you don't get an award for existing or for surviving a life consisting of all the terrors of the human kind, you still get critizised even knowing the human mind is not deisgned to handle this when someone says your not alone it doesn't make me feel heard or validated it makes me feel agitated and sick to my stomach. It hurts my ego and I know that sounds bad but I'm addicted to pity and it makes me feel pretty- worthy of something good for once. It makes me realize im not as special as i thought. ('dont worry it was just for the plot') aside from my selfishness I don't understand how the saying is supposed to comfort me when you think just how many people have to go through all of that suffering just like you it makes you realize just what a cruel world we live in. the world is full of sin and as soon as the scab begins to heal it bleeds you dry all because you were just a tad too shy from beyond perfect. so I apologize to everyone who simply struggles to be alive, apologizes go to those who relate to this song. being inclusive won't change people's mind all along because they are too blind to see they are the true problem. this is your time to shine, but if your mental heath is on the decline just dont let yourself go because then they'll know. they'll see through your cracks and you will come falling apart. It breaks my heart to see the spotlight of the stage, having everyone's attention is no better than apprehension. a suspension from showing your true self because your putting on a show, your only an extension of yourself nothing more than playing a role. an act beginning to slip, you bite your lip eating away at yourself as your dignity visibly disapears and your still playing a character in your head that isn't the real you. don't shed a tear, but surprisingly I can't relate. invisible hidden in the shadows, a wallflower who craves that same love and attention everyone seeks, (maybe I peaked already maybe im a withered flower, a dried out marker or a burnt out candle maybe im too much to handle) around them but never receives it in the end. a waiting game, pretending you don't even know my name. just because your quiet doesn't mean you have dont have depth. just because you can't think of anything better to say than sorry doesn't make you a savior nor a saint. and this apology can mean nothing but bullshit of my own thoughts and opinions, it doesn't make them right as much as I'd like them to be but don't get offended when I say I ain't sorry, I cleansed my head and clenched my fists, I slit my wrists to feel alive but it doesn't make it right. It doesn't mean it's the right decision. to see the circumstances were all in, we don't exactly have a say because who really knows the purpose of life at the end of the day? who knows why we're all here. We don't need know everything and it's supposed to stay that way. No one needs all the answers, what's the point in a religion? you can be happy without a rulebook telling you your next move, you can still improve. make your own choices don't let other voices compromise and live your life free. don't worry about being perfect cause when you really look around.. everyone's stress is about the small things. everybody's a mess. everybody's a disaster and does it really matter? 

we're all gonna die lonley and loved. we're all gonna die and our legacy is so small no one will remember whether we had acne in high-school or whether we failed our algebra class. live your life and be free. (come on just trust me) to be yourself is more than enough (and I still know that after this song I won't listen to my own advice) because no one in life completely knows what their doing. it's all our first time living. we're all stupid and we all make mistakes and maybe that's okay. maybe that's alright.. it's normal to not be alright, it's normal to not be okay. (and honestly normal shouldn't be a word because there is no definition.)

I think I finally realized why I don't learn from my actions or the consequences why I stick to the same routine regardless if it hurts me. I stay in the same position because it's my tradition, it's a series of repetition resulting in my bad condition. I am aware I'm not well. this is no competition so who the hell am i trying to fool, it's my bad habit the only way I've known my whole life. and I think I still deserve a little recognition after all I've tried my best. so what if I'm not perfect it's fine to get some rest. it's okay to take a break when your tired and weak it's okay to go to sleep. 

It may not seem great when your in this state where it feels at this rate you could die tomorrow and who would care? who would care? you question it, it still roams your mind all the time. but we have to learn how to live life after all there is no rulebook, no map telling us which way to turn or what path to take it's all a symbol of love and hate and life itself has a thousand different reasons for the things it does but it's okay to be unhappy, it's okay to be sad it's how we are meant to feel and it doesn't make sense why life is supposed to make us feel bad but it has a thousand different things it does with no reason too and no one will truly understand it. life is unfair - still we share the same air and there is nothing beyond compare to how beautiful it can be at times. nobody isn't fixable or beyond repair we are all human, we are full of confusion and mistakes are nessasary to come to the conclusion. the sad but honest truth is people only think about themselves, it's comforting and hurtful at the same time but no matter how amazing or horrible of a time, memories casually fade away and it happens everyday. Nothing lasts forever, with every endeavor envy and jealousy get in the way. It's not your fault to want what you don't have, it's not inconsiderate it's completely natural. when people call you mean and rude for something you can't control, when you cry they say your too shallow, too sensitive to understand and when you don't cry they call you uunempathetic and cold hearted, if your angry they say your irrational or crazy. Don't bother trying to please them because just maybe, you'll end up okay.