Fickk

  I don’t know what to think right now. I’m numb? A bit delusional and in need of endorphins.

   I slept last night thanks to two melatonins, buts it’s so early to be completely logical. Hi chat, guess who’s back and not on computer so deal with this basic format.

   A lot of stuff has happened, trying to make it better but boyfie won’t cooperate. I’m neutral feeling, surprisingly cause my PTSD always leaves lingering anger but I understand him. Other people don’t though and that’s where I’m torn.

   I’ve talked to people about this, they said he needs to be broken up with but I’m whining and crying. I’m never gonna meet someone like him in a million years I need to suck it up and enjoy what I have. 

    I didn’t mean things that I’ve said to him and he interpreted it way differently, I just wanted to know I was loved. What does he expect, he always draws himself so unhappy, sad looking in public. But he’s so loving in private? How would I know he loves me as much as I do. How would I know he’s not ashamed.

  I stated I don’t want to hurt him, I want to be better, and even left messages asking for him to explain his interpretation— but I got nothing. He told me I’m a good boyfriend. Why would he go behind my back and call me disgusting, and emotionally abusive.

  He knows how I feel about, being seen as such things. But what’s done is done and he can’t take back what he said. I’ve never dropped anchor before and this is really reminding me why I don’t.

   He promised this was an insecurity he can take on, that he can help me and that he just wants me to talk to him. So I did. It’s not as tame as I usually am, I was really going through it. Everyone was so cold to me.

  It festered. “Haha I don’t have friends”, “my family doesn’t care about me.”, “no one ever has”, “what if he thinks that too”, “he doesn’t he doesn’t oh no he doesn’t”

Maybe I do have BPD. Anyways

  I’m just numb, I always am when he hurts me emotionally. I’m trying my best but if even he doesn’t like me, the most beautiful and charming person in the world, what am I still doing here? 

  This is so intense and I need to break down in therapy today, svicide hot line is also going to call me later. I was left on DELIVERED at first, but all I needed was a different number.

  I just hope he talks to me, I am sorry, I do love him, and I don’t consider what I did abusive ?? I want him to explain. I always listen to him, I have nothing going on in my head. 

  Im not disgusting, I’m not abusive, one outbursts doesn’t define me. Logically. I really need to take a break but without the internet I have nothing. But I will go far away from him so he gets what he wishes, for me to fuck off.

Why. Whywhywhywhywhy. I just want someone to explain. Why is he so upset with me. I remember warning him about certain things and triggers, why is he indulging them :(