time to get a hobby

dear blog,    

        for a bit i have not been on here just because my life is so crazy and i have been feeling so sad and utterly alone. when i am feeling this way, what reason would i want to log onto my computer and write about a bunch of nonsense? i would rather just lay in my bed and rot and cry... very pathetic i know. but, i noticed one thing during this routine that i carried for weeks and weeks, i did nothing but this. days and days, did i sit inside of my room and just ferment and rot you know? when i get inside of these moods i want to do nothing but just; do nothing. 

im gonna be productive very soon, ive started by just getting up and doing my makeup and other daily boring things, makes me feel pretty.. soon, i also want to go to hair school; some program the state offers that i could do it for free now while im in high school. sounds pretty good... 

 i hate my mom, so angsty so teenage right heheheh. but, i do not care. i wanna get a job soon so i could save up for something nice when im 18 and eligible to move out.  i sound rude, and ungrateful, but i dont really care that much anymore. sometimes it is just better to do your own things and accept the current situation, im very mad at her but theres nothing i could do about her poor decisions. i will sit, and do what i plan to do.

this has turned into just a big pissy fit when i really meant to get on here and just write about my plans and accomplishments but i dont know, it feels good writing into a void about the things i never can talk about with anybody else. feeling lonely and depressed lately. only my fault though, all i do is push people away. i cant help it, it feels right this way; when im alone and sad. 

i just do not belong anywhere, what is the point of becoming close with people if we amount to nothing? what a waste of time. nobody knows myself better than i do i have found out. or, maybe i am just way too picky. i will continue doing what makes me comfortable and wait till something very big happens in my life. I hope God loves me. i hope hes not upset with me. I havent talked to him in a very long time, well, i have, but not like i should.

i hope to be blogging soon! ciao

-- very sad girl