💚 diary #13 ❤️ 6/19/2024 💚

I HATE HOW INCONSISTENT THESE ARE GETTINGGGG

it's okay . low pressure no stress (except i kindof have to type this out fast bc i gotta get up at like 6 tommorrow)

anyway TODAY WAS DAY 3 OF VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL YAAAAAy and it was like kind of eventful?? felt like toriel for most of it

i got up at 630 and showered. i was tired even though  i slept at like 9 pm ???? but whatever. my mom almost left for church without me and i felt like an anime girl running to school AKSL

so i got to the church and set up to give the kids their nametags. we had a couple of new people and a couple of absent people. one little girl from yesterday asked where her friend was, and that friend never showed up. she and two other girls always hang out together but there is some drama between them which breaks my heart

anyways. worship rally went okay and then there was a lot of screaming when it was donation time. and then during the pledge to the Bible one of my girls brought up her Bible to hold up since the main lady forgot to bring hers up. then the two boys doing the skit were wearing like sunglasses and a beach towel ansd hawaiian shirt which annoys me. thetheme is breaker rock beach like PACIFIC NORTH WEST BEACH where I AM FROM????????? and you go there bundled up and climb on rocks and there's giant pine evergreen trees and no palm trees.

anyway then we had the music time and we learned a new song. this girl named charlotte kept tellin me she didn't wanna participate but i kinda made her LOL?? i felt bad. then these people workin on the roof kept making noise and kinda scaring the kids and stuff........ so we had to ignore it. at the end of the session we played hot potato and the girls wanted me to join but i got out really fast and one of them scratched me by accident.

then we did our craft and today they made a mini crab and i wanted to make a crab :( i went and got some apple juice instead though. then atsnack time a little girl named zelda wanted me to sit with her so of course i did. she's really sweet and talks to me quietly and really no one else.

all the little girls adore me and they wanna hold my hand, and sit in my lap, and follow me around, and ask a billion questions, and idk , i love them. if i ever have to work with kids i would work with secondgraders i love all of them here so much LOL

so we had nachos for snack and i didn't like it so i just let everyone else eat my food. then zelda wanted me to listen to this song by a guy so we did andthen she wanted to show me a youtube short he made WHICH LIKE YOU'RE 8 HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? and the guy was shirtless so we watched it once and i turned it off bc i felt like that was kind of innapropropriate 

then zelda was like "well my dad won't come to this performance.. well he might.. but my mom definitely won't. my mom won't. do you guys want to know why she won't" so finally i was like "you can tell us" and she goes

"my mom died"

AND LIKE????? IT WAS SO RANDOm?????????

moved on from that quickly and then bray wanted to make a chant for the lunch lady, miss pam. so me and her and sophia and mattie (other helper) did it for her and she LOVED it. miss pam is real sweet like that and she was just delighted. i want to be like her when i am older

then we went to go play outside for a little bit. they had to squirt some water out of a water gun, which pushed a little blow up balll into a goal. one kid dunked his head into the water refill bucket which he got in trouble for. after they went back inside, i went and got some coffee for my mom and she was really grateful. when i got back, charlotte and her friend(i think) cailyn where decorating their name tags instead of playing dodgeball. one kid got hit in the face really really hard and started crying but he was okay. 

i accidentally let it slip that i had a boyfriend to these girls......... and they were like "do you kiss" "how long have you been together" "what's his name" "can i see a picture" and all this stuff which WAS cute but then they thought that caleb was him whcih i mean.they DO look similar

these kids have like no clue i'm just a lesbian </3

then they had to go to Bible lesson, and at the end played a game with swedish fish and i got to give them the fish!! but during the lesson like half thegirls asked to sit in my lap and hold my hand while we walked around and everything. i feel like their mom sometimes

then we got to dismiss them AND  I GOT TO GO HOMEE

kind of........... my mom needed to go to the store and get a perscription for my dad. then i got a dunkin coffee thing for later and this boy kept staring at me and in the car of the parking lot this girl was doing themotions to the vbs songs it was so funny

when i got home i talked to izzy some and then thought about butch girls and masc girls and learned the difference and was just so overcome with gay that i took nap

then i woke up and finished my lab report and talked to my "bf" on the phone for like an hour and a half. and that was fun. again, id rather be his friend than girlfriend. he saidwe'd been together for 6 months. 6 months too long

the guilt and shame and caged/trapped feelings i feel from this relationship are actually ignoreable!!!

then my parents left for a walk and i got some dinner. im gonna play murder mystery for a bit then go to bed since i have class ANDD vbs tommorrow.

oh yeah charoite and sasha keep saying they'll kiss me and im super lesbian omg omg 

changed my name here to noelle too but idk if ill keep it. it feels SUPER weird but my irl name is basically noelle just changed a little bit so idk why i'm so ??????

but izzy said i should do it so 

(shout out to izzy)

okay BYEEE <3

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Listening To: Toby Fox - Snowy (Genocide)

Mood: Nervous
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