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hello again virtual diary,
recently ive been thinking about how no one really understands me on a deeper level. the level i yearn for... i am aware it could be asking too much to desire a partner who knows every crack and crevasse of my soul and mind but i see others finding their other half and question why i cannot find mine. is it that i am too much for them? to myself i feel like i am perfect, ideal. perfect may be too much of a positive but i know i am pleasant, and have things to offer people. for example, i am very into an abundance of interesting things like nature, crystals, rocks, magick, meditation, doll/toy collecting, art, writing, true crime, history, music, thrifting, fashion, video games, reading... almost anything you can think of i have to offer !! but somehow it is not enough. i should get to the point and drop the bomb that i am autistic and struggle with a problematic special interest, which is columbine. thhis turns many people off of me and it hurts my feelings because id just like a girlfriend or boyfriend who can enjoy psychology with me - and not make me feel like some mentally deranged freak and danger to society when i am only a threat to myself and my own well being. i have a lot of love to give, so much so that i often cannot do anything but cry to the universe to give me someone to love who will show me it back and adore my quirks and cracks and all that is wrong or different or odd about me. i am upset when those who have been around me in the past have just ridiculed me or blocked me for my interest. i dont condone !! i wrack my brain trying to think about how others cannot just put aside a part of someone they dislike .. it does not define them! i can do it.. why not others for me?
just as an example, lets say applejack is friendly, kind, hard working, family oriented, honest and generous... but she is also republican... her political views are no reason to ignore her other, amazing traits! (not saying being conservative is bad, btws!!! i just know some people who subscribe to this mentality tend to hate conservatives for some reason???)
anyhow, thats my rant for today! bye!
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Rania
sorry to comment on what is seemingly a very personal entry- but i saw this and resonated with this. my special interest is European history, so i get excited when people start talking about problematic things like colonization and royalty and such. not because i condone the actions of the past, but because it's an interest. the part about people disliking you for a special interest you can't control struck a chord. i hope you find someone. i know there's someone out there for you. good luck.
thank you deeply for your comment. I always appreciate people sharing insight or experiences and connecting with me, I am so glad someone else relates so closely! I am also very into history even problematic aspects and details, have you ever tried to suppress it? I find doing so has lead me to feel depressed and an identity crisis. special interests are hard to suppress
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