broke my word lmao

it creeps up on us, we dont realise how much is going wrong because we're all so invested in our moments and not trying to live in the past or future. but when it happens, it tore us all apart. and well, i guess i want to scream out about it, to anyone who cares.

so i live in the middle of nowhere, relying on bus travel of which only pass by in 2 hour intervals, no time to get a driving license myself im trying to work out of my rags while caring for my mother too. ive gone days without sleep because of emergencies during the night. scary stuff every so often. im still technically employed too, but zero hour contract and my place of work, mcdonalds, is exploiting that HARD. im nearly 3 months no work atm, ive had to get help from the gov so we dont end up in bankruptcy. idk why they're doing that. i wowed them on my first day; no lie, i wanted to bring my best and i did. and i kept that up for 2 years out of my 3 years there. instead of getting recognised for it, they started holding me up to that standard, pushing more out of me without any recognition. how long could i realistically go with it without reward? im trying to build a good CV with good references and merits to show for it. instead ive wasted 3 years there and i wont be getting any reference for my efforts. they're corrupt there, ive had disciplinaries given to me without my notice or warning. for stuff that regularly happens there, banter stuff. its like, they get to take the piss out of me but i cant retort without it being put on my record without my notice. its a minefield there. as far as im aware now, going 3 months with no work from them they've basically "shadow fired" me. im scared. i dont want to put any years of my damn life to a place of which i wont get to add to my CV. all that record will show is ive gone years with work noted down but nothing to show about it. only my word. dare i even give them a contact to my workplace, im scared they'll make up bullshit about me to keep me down. and well, now, ive got free time for days, idk what to do, supposed to find new work i guess. but this limbo hell im put in rn scares me to death, and now, my friends and my partner, they're drifting away? life hit them. but my friends were pillars in my childhood, fit in with them like the perfect puzzle piece. now its like they're strangers to me. my partner too, the last couple weeks of messages have been "hello" "goodbye". without conversation, without hanging out. bear in mind she's long distance too. ive done the same with her as i did at mcdonalds. gave her my all and remained the only one carrying our relationship. she cant maintain a long distance relationship anyway. im not an npc, i have needs too. why do i feel guilty about expressing my needs. whenever i have tried, she acknowledges them but doesnt do anything about it. its an effort to get her on a call these days and we're supposed to be dating.

i feel like i need a world away from mine atm. so im here again. i hope to vibe with anyone here better than im vibing alone. and about better things than feeling sorry for myself all the time.

so.. hello!