june 17 my first blog entry woohoo!

first time blogging in soooooo long :) i used to blog on my page on tumblr and by page i mean a literal page on the blog itself that no one knew the link to so i'd just be like

> 5/24 its my bday

> 5/25 hey yesterday was cool

> 5/26 so today-

dfgkhdfkghgkdfhbdfgkjh

anyways. my period is right around the corner so i can just tell that's the reason i'm so sentimental lately :) and probably why i'm craving expressing myself so bad. weird wording but whateverrrr i understand myself :) 

last night i started thinking about the fact that i'll probably live here forever and wanted to cry. it's a really good and amazing thing to be having an apartment built just for me so i'll never ever have to pay rent and have my own space but idk. i hate this disgusting awful sad town. the thought of living here forever depresses me to the point of wanting to bawl and secretly save up all my money and just disappear from here. sometimes i feel like it's the only way i'll ever be free!! but i know that's not possible and i also would simply just never do that. i'm too reliant on my parents and also even if i dont say it or act like it or even wanna admit it sometimes - i'd miss everyone terribly. like idk if its my period or what but lately i think about either of my parents or my brother dying and i just burst into tears. i think i have a lot of trouble with the concept of grief and death and the fact that grieving is forever and sometimes i wonder what the hell is gonna happen to me when the day inevitably comes where im all alone in this world lol

ok that got so depressing so fast

but anyway i was actually gonna say that last night i was so anxious about the fact ill be here forever that i nearly got out of bed just to go google cities i could move to once the apartment's done. like i'll rent it out and leave and just live off the rent i make from that... as long as i can be elsewhere even if the apartment is ugly! because it just feels like my life is at a standstill here. no new people no new places i'm just stuck in this ugly boring corner of the world. like i truly feel like i could live and die alone here (romance wise) if i stay. i'll never meet anyone

but also who am i kidding when have i ever been approached? lol

like im not ugly or anything and ive lost nearly a hundred pounds so im sure love is SOMEWHERE out there... but just not here :( and it feels like the longer im here, the longer i'll be alone and the longer i'll have to wait for the things i secretly want and need but dont talk about because of my pride and the humiliation that follows that level of vulnerability (love... a family... peace in a relationship)

sighhhh :(

i know life isnt as hopeless as it feels sometimes but that feeling lingers and the longer it lingers, the more im scared of it being real

ok this is only getting more depressing ill be back tomor

NO!!!!! i need to not end it every time i feel like this is getting too depressing because expressing myself and these thoughts is a good thing. and i know no one will ever read this but god i fr sound insane cutting myself off mid sentence like that and getting ""meta"" gdkfjhbdfgkjh for lack of a better term!

anyway i wanna keep losing weight and i know i can do it but lately its like my adhd gets in the way of EVERYTHING in my life. like all i have to do is actually meet my protein goals and walk daily and even that is a struggle for me!! what in the world... :( i need to go reschedule that doctors appointment but its hard because now i work mon-fri and its a lot harder to just get up and go in the middle of the afternoon or morning. like i work earrrllyyy!!!! sigh but i need to figure it out because i need to get medicated i want to be able to function without feeling constantly ashamed because i get "lazy" streaks but really its my horrible attention span. like i can feel myself getting worse as i age but now im in a position where i actually cant make the time to get the help i need! ugghhh i shouldve gone while i could. tomorrow at work i need to find out how i can request days off so i can actually go and request a day off to go to my doctor appointment

i'm sure i'll be back later to think of more to say :)

also i have that good luck babe song by chappell roan stuck in my head hehe

ALSO I NEED TO STOP BEING LAZY AND WORK ON MY DISCORD GROUP RRAAAHHH!!!!!!!

jennifer :)~

p.s. i hope i remember to do one of these daily or at least every other day/every few days. i think it will help me so much :)