self image is so icky

i went out yesterday and i have sm more to say but ill get to that later,,, i was hanging around w my older friends who rn are in college and i just,,, i felt so ugly, i kept taking pictures of them and thry all looked nearly perfect and the minute my pictures were taken, i looked so ,,, not like me.

body dysmorphia tw:

i feel like my face changes the minute i see myself thru someone else's perspective. i dont know why my hair starts looking like that, and my smile changes the shape of my face, why clothes dont fit me right and why why stomach looks bigger. im sick of it !!

i hate having to search up ways to alter my body, change the way im pre dispositioned to be, hide what i truly look like because im afraid of being me.

there's something utterly disgusting in the nature of dreams of my future where all i do think of is editing bits and pieces of myself till i no longer look like me. its imagining keratin treatments and liposuctions that will take away pieces of me. why do i crave to fit and force myself into a mould, one that wont hold even the innermost parts of my beauty. 

the feeling of inadequacy that flows through my veins seems like a never-ending struggle. ive lived in limbo till i was 13 and the minute self awareness made itself home in my mind, ive wanted to 'look better'

thats all 

xoxo <3