Current Mental State

I am currently doing so bad mentally that I'm afraid I'll sink deeper into depression again. I just wish I could make everything and everyone disappear, having time to myself without having to worry about the future, past, time, people.

I really don't like the life that I'm living, and I envy everyone who enjoys their current position. I absolutely despise people who aren't grateful for their good position in life, because I just wish I could for once enjoy something.

I feel like I'm rambling a bit, but this is seriously taking a big toll on my mental health. I don't seek pleasure anymore, only doing as I'm told and rotting away in the excess time. I want to get out of here, start over, be an entirely new person and stuff. Nobody has to know the stuff I went through, they'll only know what I'm willing to show them.

I don't know why I feel like this. I constantly put myself into dangerous situations, hoping something terrible happens to me so I don't have to live this exact life anymore. I need a change, but I don't know what I can do to fully change everything.

My therapist told me I'm suicidal, but I highly doubt that. I don't actively find ways to kill myself, I take rather good care of myself. But, apparently putting yourself in dangerous situations, hoping you don't live to tell them is 'suicidal ideation', and I need help for it.

I don't understand, I don't really think that I need help. I just need a change. You can't help someone who has nothing to live for, that just won't work.