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Category: Life

It Comes in Waves

Grief. I've found it's like an unpredictable tide. A year ago the Gods took away my soulmate. He had just turned 36 and had a very unexpected stroke.

Tonight as I lie in bed, I feel so much hollowness. I've struggled with my mental health long before he died, sleeping is rough. Nearly every night I watch him collapse all over again. I close my eyes to fall asleep and hear the beeping of the ventilator and heart monitors. 

Tonight when I went to bed I heard the sound of sirens from the nearby fire department. I can't usually hear them that clearly but I had just turned off the TV. I fell to my knees and just started sobbing. 

Now, I lay here in reflection in our bed, drained of all energy. I knew losing him threw me into a spiral, I didn't think losing him would completely break me again a year later. When he moved in we got rid of my old mattress. I don't know why I kept it so long after I was raped on it. #MeToo The sad part? I almost wish I had kept it because I'd rather have those nightmares. 

He used to run his fingers through my hair to help me fall asleep or to calm my nightmares. For new years I decided to shave my hair off, telling myself "you can move on now, there's not a hair on your head he's touched." I truly thought it would help me move on. It did not, if anything it made it worse as now I'm also grieving my hair. 

I used to be better. When he was alive I wanted to be better. Now I'm just bitter. 

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