Yearning for the past

Yearning for the past

“And as we sit here alone, looking for a reason to go on, it’s so clear that all we have now, are our thoughts from yesterday” 

-Since Yesterday by Strawberry Switchblade 

It seems that I always tend to find myself thinking about the past, whether it was last year or the year before that, I’m always missing what everyone else has moved on from. Recently my friends from England finished their GCSEs and showed me pictures of their now signed leavers shirt. It’s surreal to think that if I had stayed there any longer I would’ve been done with things by now but instead I’m here back in my home country, still in secondary school. 

Next year will be my last year of secondary school and it’ll all lead up to big exams that’ll determine where I end up after that. I’ll of course have to wait for my results to be out first, in the meantime maybe I’ll focus more on YouTube or getting a part time job of some sort. Not that I really need the money considering my parents will still be managing most of my financial expenses then but a little experience of working wouldn’t hurt. Maybe it’ll be fun.

Yesterday I got a notification on Telegram telling me someone who I haven’t talked to in ages joined the app. Funny thing is I deleted this person’s number. It was the friend of my old school bully. The worst part is I remember giving her a gift because I believed we were friends at the time as she sat next to me in maths class. I however was a stupid kid who couldn’t tell when someone was using me for homework so all those Discord calls spent teaching her a math question was just so she could get things done. I’d like to say I don’t blame her because I technically have had kept certain people in contact to ask about homework but I didn’t turn my back on these people like she did with me. I at least told these people I would like to cut contact as there wasn’t much of a point talking to each other once I’ve moved out but her? She was an entirely different story. And don’t even get me started on her so called friend who bullied me for the rest of the school year AND through text after I moved out. 

It’s all so silly that I still remember these things in almost great detail, I remember all these people who have wronged me and yet they most likely have the memory of myself wiped from theirs, maybe not entirely but still. Perhaps it’s the impact of these events that have affected me today to make me still think about them. But it’s not just the bad that I think about.

I think about my friends and wonder how different my life would’ve been if I was still around with them. I think about that specific friend that mattered so much to me turn into someone I barely know, maybe it wasn’t my fault or hers that we drifted apart but a matter of time and place. But I’m glad, I’m grateful we had met anyway because all that time spent was worth it even if it eventually amounted to nothing. 

All the gifts and all the birthday cards and all the photographs will be forever kept for I can never forget and give away any of them. And with each one of them a different memory is kept in my mind, cycling around on all those sorrowful golden evenings. I mourn, I mourn at the fact I’ll never be able to go back to them and I yearn, I yearn about the past for nothing that awaits me will be able to replace those moments spent but I’m sure there will be greater things to come to my life in the future.