evil mother, smile she said. (VENT!!!!!)

I can't even begin to express how much I detest my mother. She is a truly horrible person. She became irate this morning because I was feeling tired and didn't want to converse. I also forgot to put on my dumb fake smile. She said we dont do any housework even though I literally do most of it. She said she is tired of putting up with everyone.

She proceeded to threaten me, telling me that if I laughed and smiled, I wouldn't get hit. So, I did, tears welling up in my eyes, and I began to laugh and grin, but my laughter turned into cries as I wondered why she was so nasty and wouldn't let me breathe. She may be kind one moment and a beast the next, and I never understood why. My siblings chuckled as this was going on.

Then, to my little relief, my father returned home. She isn't such a monster when he is home because he keeps the beast at bay. But sometimes I hate my father. Despite having given me a few things, he is merely a spectator to all of this; he has never truly been a part of my life. It felt as though he had never existed, because gifts do not imply affection. For that, I used to despise him, but I've grown up and realised that hate is childish. Neither my mother or father is necessary for me.

My friend's observation that I gravitate towards boys may have been accurate given that my father doesn't spend enough time in my life. She claimed that because my father didn't really show me much love—he either ignored me or loved me sparingly—I sometimes grasp onto guys, especially older boys or men, because I want to be loved and validated by men. Though maybe she had a point, I still detested her for saying it. Perhaps she is correct.

All I want to do is run away. I'm over this whole thing. I detest living in this foolish house where, with the exception of that 1% of the time when we're all grinning and foolishly laughing together, everyone is miserable, irate, and hateful of one another.