Movies and transness??

This is like a mini vent? So small warning? It's just about my identity experience after watching certain movies. 

I've always struggled with my identity since I'm not officially "out" to my family. They see me how they always have and never for me. So being called something else other than my name is weird and leaves me confused and in doubt of everything because I've always lived this life. Nothing is inherently wrong with it, so why change? How am I sure that I am who I am? Will I be just as "satisfied" as I am now in the future? Not saying I am but at this point I think it's just for convenience. I'm too scared to make some type of progress because it might ruin everything. What if I'm not who I say I am? What if all these years of being in the dark and confused was for nothing?

I usually stay away from those thoughts. It's too hard to think about these things. But movies bring these thoughts to light. Movies like Barbie, when the montage of the experience of being a woman/girl or just living as such. That made me feel like I was missing something. It made me realize that I'm not who I was when I was younger, I've changed and I'm confused. Yes I've found myself in some way but that doesn't mean I'm still not confused, that I'm still not questioning things. (I know I'm still young and not done developing but I want to feel satisfied with myself for once)

Another movie that stuck with me was Across the Spider-verse. The scenes with Gwen and her dad when she confronts (idk the right word) her dad about being spiderwoman or when Miles tells tells his mom he's spiderman. Those moments made me wonder how my parents would react to me. If they'd be confused or excepting? Would they give me a chance if I did?

Now that brings me to I Saw the Tv Glow. I just watched it and it did take me a minute to realize the ending and the implications but once I did it made me think if I hid away all my life would everything go by, missed opportunities to express myself and try new things, will I have wasted my life because I was too scared? I know I will eventually have to at least say something because I don't want this weight on me for the rest of my life. 

I mean I've presented androgynous for the most part or at least the most I can but nothing helps I always feel off. That's why I second guess myself so much, that's why I keep it back and just present myself online as how I would want to be but it's never enough and I know I need to do something about it but I don't know if I will.