physical perception...

hey all,

today, i am 155 lbs and a lot more muscle mass on my frame. that being said, i am not happy. there is this constant cycle within my brain that although the number on the scale says that i look good, i mentally feel drained and upset. i constantly say things to myself...

"you look like shit."

"your physique is shit."

"what are you going to finally do about it?"

"lose more weight; work out more."

"are you going to stay as some fatass?"

"you haven't made any progress, you are losing yourself"

i feel like it is a constant battle that i am having in my head. every time i ask myself these questions i just spiral into a state of what i think is just sadness. i constantly put work into myself everyday just to feel like a piece of shit. i am in no way saying that i have the worst problems in the world, and i know very well that i did this to myself...but fuck it hurts.

i also realized that the same people who would constantly make fun of me for looking like some fat fucking loser are now telling me that i have done too much. i hate that the opinions of others constantly change based on what you look like, regardless of whether people want to deny it or not.

i am worried that if i give myself a break and appreciation for what i have done, my progress will slow down or stop. i thought that by doing all of these things, i would be a better person and much better looking; but i am not.

say what you want,

espio ★