despite all my rage i am still a rat in a cage | choosing to live anyway

I work overnight security. I have been since January of this year.

I'm grateful for this slow period in my life. Before this, I had two very stressful jobs back to back that made me miserable and depressed. I felt hopeless, and heartbroken. I was supposed to take care of my coworkers and then next I was taking care of people in my state. My hands were always tied at what I could do for them. What I was allowed to... and I've seen first-hand how much employers will step back and away from helping all the people that ask for it. There were rules, and there were certainly biases on who deserves it. 

It's disgusting. And I see the cycle repeat itself with my significant other. He was let go (or in a technical sense forewarned they will not renew his contract) because he couldn't get his calf to heal fast enough to go back to work... that is so fucking sick. I wish I could spit. I wish I could tell off all the stupid hire-ups that while they are itching to get rid of people, it's their own incompetence that led to such a funding issue. These are people's lives they're fucking with and while they get to sit in their little office with their 100K salaries, they're thinking stupidly hard about how to find any reason to get rid of people who are making just enough to get by. My darling was a just a measly unreliable custodian that costed them money in overtime to cover.  

I reached out to my boss if he could help in our situation because I know he has a kind heart and he's helped me so much from the beginning. I really don't know where I would be if it weren't for knowing somebody. And I didn't actually know him prior, my dear roommate did. It seems that's the only leg up people have nowadays when they need a job and fast. I feel blessed and grateful but also horrifyingly aware how difficult my situation could have been if I did not have a connection.

It makes life unbearable and it's a reality for a lot of folks. I see immigrant families struggle, and those who were born here can have the same hardships. However, the natives blame the immigrants who came because they may receive faster help from the government. Oh my god, you are so fucking close to getting it. It's never the fault of the people who are in need- it is the government systems who are failing ALL of us. Immigrants do not want to just move away from our problems, most of the time we are forced to choose the unknown. There may be nothing for us where we call home and it's a sad, sad realization to have. To leave home. While the callous overlords are putting billions in military and police, we are drowning. 

We are angry and we had enough. Crime is at an all time high. Birth rates are low. We are showing so many signs of struggle that only now are companies like walmart and target admitting to cutting prices so customers may come back to spend their coin. Well jokes on fucking them, We Don't Have Anymore Coins. We are bleeding from rent costs, hospital bills, car troubles, the list is never-ending. 

I have a 14K+ hospital debt for not having insurance the one month I needed emergency gallbladder removal. Now I'm left to figure out how to minimize that and I'm too angry and aware to fret over the huge number. Cause it's all bullshit. Companies just see me as a walking dollar sign then a person second. Why the fuck should I care if I owe them anything. I can't find anymore fucks to give when mail comes in and it's saying I owe over $800 in some drug test I had to take for one of my past jobs. They should have covered that, hah, cause I'm not. 

Don't be a bootlicker. Please learn to love those around you, especially those who are very different from you. Try to understand the callous- the addicts, the mentally ill, the homeless. We have so much more in common with them than billionaires, politicians, cops. 

fuck everything man but also I won't give up.