my detransition

tldr: detransitioned at 15 after a year of t because my dysphoria wasn't related to gender

so to clarify, i did not detransition into a cis girl again - i am still completely nonbinary, however, i began to transition after getting ahold of testosterone. i stopped using it and threw it out after about a year

when i was 12, i began to have some extreme dysphoric struggles, mostly centered around my body and especially my femininity. the problem is i had hit puberty earlier than literally almost everyone in my school around the age of 9, and my body started to gain more shape as i got older. i did not like this ! i got bullied pretty frequently and got called fat by anyone who was willing to point out that i had a chest at 12. i'd known about trans people for a really long time, i THOUGHT i wanted to transition, but i was very fearful of what would happen. not to myself, but with my relationships, the town i lived in, etc. i think i started developing a porn addiction [really bad fujoshi shit] a year or so beforehand and such. i think it's only relevant because i specifically fixated on yaoi and shit like that. i'm not like this anymore though and i firmly believe porn is bad for any human, especially for one in a relationship.

around this time, my 14 y/o friend [who i am still close with to this day] comes out as nonbinary and bisexual. this was enough to spark a debate in my own mind as to whether i was really a girl or not. i would dress more masculine, intentionally speak in a nasally voice, and ask my mom if i could cut my hair short. i began experimenting with names, and my corny weeb ass chose yuuma, after the fucking vocaloid :skull: but my friends were all very supporting of this, most of them being queer themselves. i saw one of my other friends adopting the name "sadie" and using she/they pronouns before announcing that she was experimenting with gender as well. the majority of us were trans or nonbinary! so with that, i decided to identify as a trans boy at 13.

fast forward to july of 2021. a friend who i have cut off permanently suddenly came to me in my discord dms telling me they found testosterone and could ship it to me. i happily agreed. while it did ship, when we had problems they would hang my address over my head and doxxed me at one point ?? not relevant but still. i began using testosterone as my identity continued to fluctuate in my head, as i began to use different names like yvonne, felix, jonah, and a couple others that i can't remember rn. by the time i was in high school, the testosterone was lowkey already fucking me up

by the end of my freshman year of hs, i didn't identify as a trans man but a demiboy. i let myself become more comfortable with feminine things, feminine titles, etc. this was also around the time my then-partner began to transition into a woman [this was later self-admitted to be an attempt at getting brownie points, before blaming it all on me.] this, again, made me question things as i became more comfortable with femininity. i then went to multiple doctors, who all told me my dysphoria was not related to my gender but instead the previously mentioned body-shaming and bullying i experienced when i was younger. that had settled it; by the beginning of august i had thrown it all out. i decided that my gut feeling about me not really being a trans boy was right all along and i just settled as nonbinary while trying to fix what the testosterone had done to me.

my then-partner began pestering me about gender and this is kind of what drove a rift between us. broke up with them a couple months afterwards because i just found out they were probably cheating on me [they were, with a 12 y/o] and just was generally shitty towards me or talked shit behind my back :skull: probably for the better considering they made a fb post blaming me for their bullshit. i'm a scapegoat to their family now but idc

anyways, i can't exactly define my gender now because it's a literal paradox!! everything and nothing at once. however, after being treated for body dysphoria, i'm very proud of my femininity and wouldn't trade it for a thing. if only i bought more feminine clothes i would feel so much more better now :\ that's all gootbye

- cereza