Falling out of love is wack

I'm going to see Furiosa with my ex tomorrow and I'm super excited but god I hate emotions and I hate feelings like when we first broke up I thought I would always be a bit in love with him forever but now that I've been spending more time with myself I'm coming to realize how much he wasn't meant for me and how even now after all these years he doesn't really understand me and that our personalities clash so much and like I don't hate him and we both want to stay friends but I've been slowly kinda just recounting the instances that he hurt me (and this honestly went both ways even if neither of us wanted to hurt the other we still did) and I don't understand how I feel because I don't dislike him but these realizations are bringing on a lot of emotions that are making it hard to enjoy hanging out with him. I just wish I could start over and be his friend without all the history but that being said the history is essentially the base of our friendship. I know it's normal to go through a huge range of emotions in this situation but it's startling realizing how wrong someone was for you especially when they were your whole world for so long and I feel so aware and rational about how I'm feeling but at the same time I don't have the words to describe how I'm feeling and it sucks because our relationship and situation was so particular that its hard to find any advice for it.