ദ്ദി(ಥ‿ಥ) theres another man (but is there, really?)

song: while you were sleeping (laufey)

hi spacehey

i'm sorry it's been so long since I've uploaded! nobody read these in the first place though so i doubt anybody was waiting anxiously for an update lol. i guess this is more of a diary for me? but i like publishing it too. life has been slow going and school has been break-neck as the semester wraps up, but i still suck for not posting.

i got invited to a grade twelve new years party and ended up asking this girl there about her friend who i'd been crushing on. he was the grade above me-- had a car, was taller, had glasses, and curly hair-- and she said that he'd been talking to another guy but it wasn't going anywhere fast. 

i asked him out and he and i went to a pretty bad bagel place and my coffee was SO hot i burned the shit out of my tongue (╥﹏╥). also, i had just the absolute saltiest bagel i have ever eaten oh my god. we tried to go second hand shopping in my city's gentrified ass downtown but it was WAY too expensive for anyone, so he just drove me home. i tried to kiss him at a red light which makes me cringe terribly whenever i think about it.

we ended up actually kissing outside my house: we were sitting in his car just talking, but i can't even lie i was so into this guy i just wanted him to kiss me. when i finally kissed him, he was great, but that could also just be because i was into him.

looking back on it, the date was lousy, but i had such a fun time that all i could think about for months was this cute, lanky boy who sat in front of me in my grade twelve law course and said he just wanted to be friends.

i asked him out again maybe two weeks ago from writing. i said everything i was thinking: about him, about how hung up i was on him, and about how he was graduating this year and the last few weeks were more likely than not the last time i would ever see him. he said no. he said that he didn't want a relationship going into university, and i respected that;

until...

wednesday last week, i got what was an all but life changing haircut. my face is totally different, man. my hair is all messy and curly now, where before it was longer, wavier, and frankly, worse. i am a lot hotter now, promise.

who do i get a text from but the same guy?! 

"ik i said i didn't wanna date but would you still wanna hangout sometime".

the power of the haircut.

he and i hooked up saturday... holy smokes. he is the best i have ever had. i don't wanna get to into it because that's his and my business, but this guy was crazy good for someone who said it was his first time. he also said he thought it should only be a one time thing, i think because he knew i still had feelings for him.

after we'd had sex and we were just laying there together, he gave me some pretty poigniant advice about how in grade nine and ten, he'd been looking non-stop, up-and-down, left-and-right for a relationship; when he decided he was over relationships, guys flocked to him. he told me to stop looking ... and i have not felt so at peace in years. 

well and truly a weight is off my shoulders, and i feel like i've totally lost the romantic feelings i had for him: but now that they're gone, i wanna ask him to hookup again. he was AMAZING, so how to i ask him when he set a boundary which is contingent on something which is no longer true? rock and a hard place.

if you wanna help out comments are open. thank you for reading!

tom