Things are getting worse

I’m sorry if this seems melodramatic, I just don’t have many other places to vent like this. I’m at a point where I NEED to get my feelings out somehow.

Everything has been getting worse recently. I mean, it’s been that way since 2020, but it’s become exponential since last week.

I’ll start with last Tuesday, which is probably one of the worse days I’ve ever had (for no reason too). It felt relatively normal for most of the day, but basically as soon as I got home, my mood just tanked. As the night progressed, I got more and more depressed and suicidal to the point where I was eventually considering cutting myself (which I never do), and I actually starting committing less serious types of self-harm (punching, scratching, etc). There was a point in time where I tried calling some friends to see if they could help distract me, but nobody could. By the end of the night, I was lying in the dark, crying, while listening to deathconsciousness and the Minecraft ost (fucking wild behaviour btw)

The next couple days were a tiny bit better (as in no self harm or crying), but suicide was basically the only thought on my mind. I felt hopeless, lonely, and fearful for the future I don’t even think I have. It was like that all the way up until yesterday.

Yesterday was also mostly normal for most of it. School was shitty, stressful, and boring, but that’s nothing new. After school though, things got bad. It started with my dad coming downstairs to chastise me for something relatively mundane (putting the milk bag in the recycling bin with a little bit of milk left in it, making a mess). And, as it usually does, that conversation spiralled out of control to the point where he was yelling at me about my mediocre performance in school and my lack of a job. I’m already aware of how these are valid frustrations, and I’m even more mad at myself for them as he is, but hearing them from someone else is just all the more crushing. It doesn’t help that he COMPLETELY misunderstands how social anxiety works. He simply thinks I’m ‘shy’, and nothing more. Afterwards, we did kinda make up, but that didn’t change how fucking depressed I felt after that argument, especially because of how much stress he says my misdeeds put on him.

Today just fucking added to it. Again, the day was normal until I got home. Just about an hour ago, my dad came downstairs again. This time, his tone was more forgiving and calm. He simply told my I accidentally left some garbage on the ground in the bathroom upstairs, and asked me to go pick it up, so I did. As I was going upstairs, I walked past my step-mom, and she also decided to talk to me about it. Granted, with a far less calm tone.

I want to preface this by saying that she’s a very nice woman. She’s always been super kind to me, and is in no way in the wrong here. The blame does lie on me.

She has a terminal brain disease that greatly hampers her ability to do basic things, and only gets worse as time goes on. Stress affects her greatly. Stuff like leaving a small piece of garbage on the ground can give her a lot of stress when it adds up with other stuff, so I don’t blame her. It was really disheartening though. In the past, me and my dad (and my sister, but she isn’t living here now), had to move out because my dumbass self was behaving like a little shit as a kid. I would make a mess, take food without asking (and lie out of my ass about it), and other stuff as well. I’ve been much better since we’ve moved back in, but I still make dumb fucking mistakes like the two I mentioned. Like, I’m nearly a grown ass adult and I can’t seem to fucking grow up. I genuinely don’t know how to live with myself if I can’t do simple shit like this.

Anyway, when I went to go talk to my dad afterwards, he told me he was thinking about moving out. He said that there’s just been too much stress on him. He tried his best to tell me it wasn’t my fault, but it is. It is my fault. And that’s abundantly clear. He mentioned stuff like how my step sister (a little older than me) also leaves stuff around, but never gets talked to like that. He also said that if he ever talked to her like my step mom talked to me, we would be kicked out. I don’t know how true that is, but either way, it still all comes back to me. If I just didn’t do what I do, she’d have no reason to be mad at me in the first place. I’m the one causing everyone’s stress. Like, it’s not bad enough that I cause my own, I have to do it to everyone else apparently.

I’m just such a fucking stupid asshole.

I hate feeling like I’m messing everything up.

I don’t know how much longer I can go on being such a fucking awful person before I’ll just need to give up.

It’s not worth living as someone who causes so much grief. I’m not even trying to either, which is the worst part. It’s like being terrible comes naturally.

Anyway, sorry for my ‘woe is me’ sob story, I just needed to get this out somewhere or else I’d have a breakdown like the little bitch I am.

If anyone actually read this fucking mess, thank you.