I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

why is everything the way it is? why is it me that has to suffer. i dont even know whats wrong and what isnt. i never think, i dont want to think about stuff. i want my brain to be shut down for once. i thought it was getting better, but its not. why is it still the same? because of me. im the one who doesnt care. i never stopped caring, i never cared in the first place. i wish i could just turn into nothing and just watch. not die, decompose or rot. just watch. just be there. anytime and anywhere i want. i dont understand why are people treating me nicely. i am aware of my personality and so are they. why do this to me then? isnt it just so easy to normally speak to me if needed or whatever? OF COURSE IT IS!!! why is everything like this then? BECAUSE EVERYONE CARES!!! IF NOT FOR ME, THEN FOR THEMSELVES!!! i dont want them to care about me. i dont care about myself,i dont care about anything and anyone because why waste so much time on flesh and bones who can betray you at any second. and its not even because of that. its just that i dont deserve to be treated nicely. they think im gonna improve and get better BUT IM NOT!!!!! I AM NEVER EVER GOING TO CHANGE!!!! I DONT WANT TO BECAUSE I AM ME AND I DESERVE TO BE TREATED HOW I TREAT OTHERS!!! isnt it so simple? of course it is. But why does it matter anymore. it never mattered in the first place. people come and go, grow, change, die. thats why i stopped caring. we are meant to just turn into dust when our time comes, or when we simply want it that way. i guess they will never understand. or maybe im the one who will never understand them.