stream of consciousness blog!! [MIGHT REPEAT STUFF MY MIND LOOPS]

could not sleep at all last night epic autism moment when your brain wont ever shut off any here are long rambles: 

i should make my own mirror affirmations rather than use the ones my therapist gave me because it feels more genuine to the experience for me, it is to talk to yourself. it is to further oneness, to do this you are imbuing yourself with your own true reality. experiencing it and engulfing yourself in your reality

I have a hard time using mood trackers because most of the time I have difficulty gauging my emotions also the set up of the page kind of confused my brain a bit

I have trouble with a lot of new tasks at once because they arent apart of my routine and so i forget, i can also have a lack of motivation to do things, and end up doing the same things i normally do. 

havent always told people whats wrong for many reasons hard to list but one is i have an internal world i have trouble escaping 

for all the choices i make theres a million choices that came before all floating around at once and each is considered/analyzed 

it is so confusing because of how much my brain is processing, including the fact its thinking about and processing more things while i have choice paralysis 

i have an internal world in which i cannot fully escape, especially because i have internal conflicts occurring, every dialogue and position on any given thing possible whether or not i agree or would want to give these thoughts, scenarios or impulses any mind 

No matter how much fun I have socializing is always difficult and takes a lot out of me which makes it difficult to decide when to not socialize because its always difficult so its typically my first inclination to not want to initiate interaction - this is excluding very close friends, with them i can let tgem know if i am low energy and cant handle interaction, it is always necessary to be honest to the people closest to you - and honest in general das a fak.

My brain is constantly analyzing myself, and all my surroundings, every single person and interaction youve had is memorized so you can piece together every aspect of who you are 

I am stuck in this process since the beginning of time: thinking, reflecting, reprioritizing, trying to figure out what exactly it is i want out of my life, and thinking about all of these individual things very meticulously and doing this process with every step of the way. on top of this im caught up with the external world and its world of stimulus. and a disconnect with the outside world continuously. everything is to be meticulously observed and all the stimulus from all the senses are being absorbed and many of those interactions are taken into my constant thought patterns occurring. this is a slice of my constant fluctuating processes 

I am very uncomfortable with doing eye contact but I understand its important so sometimes i overstare because i cant gauge how much is important or way too little. i like to do it to see how people feel though, so i like looking at people but its a million times easier when theyre not looking directly at me

Rather than accept my emotions and simply feel them I hyper analyze them and end up having to figure out whether my emotions Im feeling are “correct” by that I mean if I am anxious about something it is more likely for me to perseverate on what im anxious about and try to figure out every possible situation involving it

Most things arent inherent or automatic this includes thinking that is why piecing together thoughts is a constant process, due to the fact that my process causes difficulties identifying and labeling feelings and complex thoughts so it is hard to complete what I actually think of something to translate what i experience causing miscommunication which is something i directly try to avoid 

most of the time it feels i am having multiple conversations in my head all at once, each with differing views. my logical side (this is not inherently correct it is simply following my brains rules of logic that it has available not true empirical logic) it analyzes everything. then my irrational emotional side perseverates over many things simultaneously. those two processes alone  go on endless loops, and drain lots of my available energy for the day. 

Ever since I was alive I have been stuck inside my head, zoning out all the time, constantly absorbing everything around me, continuous swirling thoughts 

placing and comprehending complex thoughts and making them tangible is not inherent, so it makes sense grasping at the universe as a whole takes up all my mental capacities.

if you read all of this thank you for reading :) i did not reread it so im sorry if there are typos or anything like that!!