Weird Haircuts and Fragile Femininity

I got a haircut. 

Like any other girl, getting a haircut is a whirlwind of anxiety and excitement and regret. My new-do is short. Very short. Grown-out Chelsea cut short. 

Growing up I had a massive fear of getting my hair cut and only felt comfortable going to my father's friend's barber shop. This friend specializes in alternative women's cuts and a wide array of men's cuts, but I always got simple straight-across bangs. This time though, I told her to go crazy and do whatever she wanted, and she surely did. 

I've struggled to feel feminine for a while. My body always felt too short and skinny to be womanly, my features too sharp and hollow to be girly, the way I present myself too messy and unpolished to be feminine. I've always wanted to connect to feminity but felt I could never do it right. 

However, rejecting it and getting a butch haircut also feels wrong. Instead of liberated, I feel even farther away from my goals. Am I always just going to be the ugly girl? Too small and meek for masculinity and too mousy and weird for feminity? I'm devastated I'm finally done with puberty and stuck at the height I am. 

Maybe I'm just being vain and my Teegan and Sara haircut is what I needed. I have no clue. Anyways, I'm getting it dyed in two weeks. Yay!!