School gave me agoraphobia. (VENT)

TW: BULLYING, SUICIDE AND OTHER THINGS MENTIONED. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THESE THINGS, CLICK OFF NOW. 

DISCLAIMER: I DID NOT SELF DIAGNOSE MYSELF WITH AGORAPHOBIA. I'M EXPLAINING MY EXPERIENCE WITH POSSIBLE AGORAPHOBIA. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE YOURSELF WITH ANY ANXIETY DISORDER. ONLY A DOCTOR OR PSYCHIATRIST SHOULD DIAGNOSE ANXIETY DISORDERS.

I can't wait for school to be over! My last day is June 14th and I am so excited! I needed a long  break from school to help with my anxiety. Most days, I'd wake up and dread going to school. I would be so anxious to go to school. Also, I'm not being treated the way I want to be treated. I don't want to be treated like a non-existent person. Because I was treated like a non-existent person. I was being ignored a lot, people weren't listening to me, I was being treated like hot garbage. I was also being bullied. 

I have been bullied a lot due to my autism. People would call me names and hit me and it made me really upset. I WANT TO GET REVENGE ON EVERYONE WHO BULLIED ME. I'LL BULLY THEM BACK!! The bullying gave me anxiety. I'm also not very popular at school. But the staff members at my school treat me nicely and I love talking to them. It boosts my self-esteem a little bit. Sometimes, I have suicidal thoughts. I think of every which way to kill myself. Like, not wearing warm clothes to get hypothermia, eating a PB&J sandwich (I have a peanut allergy BTW) and have a allergic reaction to it ON PURPOSE NOT ACCIDENTALLY. My dad says to stop having suicidal thoughts. Like I cannot stop them permentally, they come from time to time. Also my mom died three years ago in a work accident and it really crushed me. (I will tell you about my mom in a different blog post.) 

Anyway, sorry if this blog post is a little trauma-inducing, I couldn't keep this secret any longer. You can take a break after reading this post. 

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988

For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988

xoxo,

Princess Samantha