Bf 01

I honestly hate how my life has been going. I've had so much happen in the past year more than ever. I was in a year long relationship got out of that one and now I'm with someone new which is something I will never regret. I've been to the hospital so many times for my mental health and sometimes I feel like nothing will work. My BPD had been spiraling out of control and isn't getting better and I'm still struggling to fine myself. Last august I had the chance to get to know this amazing boy. He's been through so much and I feel like ill never be enough for him and I treat him like shit. He deserves so much better idk why he even put up with me. I overthink alot with him tho. I dont tell him because I dont want to get on his nerves but everyday i think about his past relationship. Not his most recent one but the one before that. She was his first love i can never compare to her it feels and i feel hopeless. The way he describes her and write about her he seems so in love without her even being around. I want to be able to have that impact on him. I want him to love me like that but he never will. I ask him questions sometimes and he shrugs it off but i cant help but feel that if she was to one day pop up i would be forgotten and left behind because i cant seem to compare to someone like her. I want to work on myself and be completely different from her because she put him through alot but other days i cant help but think i should be slightky like her which is terrible. I love him so much and i want him to only think about me. He is the only guy i think of and im finally in love but it seems like i find more and more stuff to remind me that she exists and it hurts so bad because its like the universe is telling me to give up or tell me im not the one. She seemed to be gorgeous and he talks about het with such prestige and i know i can never compare to that. honestly now im just repeating myself but i cant help but to becasue im in so much pain and ive been hiding it for so long. I want to overlook everything and get over it but deep down im jealous and hate that she even took a breath around him. I hate that shes stuck in his head. I hate that she was so pretty. I hate what she did to him. I hate that she was with him or even touched him. I hate her in general and i wished she wouldve killed herslef before she even met him.