Dreams

Recently I’ve been having more bad dreams, and I dont know why or how to stop them. 

Its 2:23 am where i’m writing this and I’ve just woken up sweating because of a dream I had where I killed my own mom with a kitchen knife. I remember visibly the blood and how little of it there was, and I remember how she didnt struggle or say anything at all as I did it. I remember I felt nothing at all when I did it except for a little bit of regret- and afterwords I cleaned the handle of the knife as there wasnt any blood on the sharp end. 

I cant stop thinking about how in my dream It was my first instinct to instead grieve about how my mother died by my hands or anything else at all- I cleaned the murder weapon and stuck it back into the sink. I know its a dream and how it wasnt real. I know its a dream and that dreamd dont make much sense- but I cant stop thinking about it. 

After that nightmare I started crying just a bit, because when I woke up I hadnt even realized yet that all of that was a dream. It bugs me how I only cried a little, but I guess some part of me knee subconsciously it was fake and she was alive in the other room. Nonethless I got up quickly and ran into her bedroom, waking her up with a panicked voice and hugging her while she still struggled to understand what was going on with me. I remember as I hurridly opened the door to her room and called out in a panicked whisper, there was a moment of hesistation where she was processing what was going on and arose from her sleep where she was completely still. And I thought, “was It really just a dream?”

That nightmars was only from tonight, and the only things that could make me think of why I had another dream like this was because of a new pill I had to take for my coughing(im sick). But idk. 

Another bad dream was only lastnight where I lost my entire family while at a highschool, idk why we were all there but yk doesnt make that sense in a dream. After I lost them it became evident that the people around me where all panicking, running outside and talking in their groups about a war and how we were all going to die. I think its clear that I state that Im not currently afraid of dying. In the past I was, very much so as I’d have anxiety attacks about a bomb randomly landing above out house. I feel it was important to state that so you understand that I think I was afraid for my familys life when I lost them, rather than myself. 

What I don’t understand about these two things is both times when I lost apart of my family in someway I was scared for them- but mostly horrified because I would have to live without them. I don’t understand this, why would I suddenly be so afraid of losing my family? I thought maybe its because my sister is leaving back to England for college soon, but I also thought maybe my mind is warning me about myself. In my first dream I was the reason I lost my mother, and the second dream I pushed my family away before I lost them. I dont know what this means, at first I thought It was because Ive been rude or offputting to them recently, but then I thought maybe I had it all reversed and the reason why I was the direct cause of losing them was because subconsciously I was warning myself to not off myself. 

That might sound like a reach but ofcourse idk. Anyways Im tired now and dont want to sleep so I dont have another bad dream so im gonna go eat like the big back I am. If you have thoughts on how to stop these dreams or anything else tell me🤞🤞