💚 diary #5 ❤️ 6/5/2024 💚

what's good guys . i had to leave my house today for once

i slept in until 12 but i went to bed 2 !!!!!!!! PROGRESS......!
i love talking about my sleep schedule in every post 😍! but anyway... my mom made this like hamburger helper thing for lunch.... which was really nice of her, but i didn't really like it. it had some meat in it and squash. i didn't mind the squash but it was the meat for me. i REALLY don't like meat to the point i might want to become a vegetarian. the only meat i do like is stuff like chicken nuggets ..... as in heavily processed and fried. i really avoid it when i can lol so i guess i kind of am one ? i think it's funny because i saw a post about being vegetarian, i heard a song with that word in it, AND heard someone talk about it at church today........ Maybe it's a sign

anyways !!!!! i spent most of my afternoon talking on discord to my friend poppy and this person named izzy. most of my friends don't get along with izzy that well, but i really enjoy talking to them. they're a lot of fun, and they left a super sweet message on my guest book :') i don't remember what we talked about except they guessed my birthday, some deltarune stuff, sorting out some confusion on labels....... which reminds me, i think i really like the term sapphic. It's a label for non men who likes non men which is !!!! me !!!!! and poppy also uses that term, and the flag is really cute !!! 

   

so, anyways, me and poppy started thinking more about our ocs for the minecraft server. my oc is the goddess of light, and her true form is a ball of light that is so bright, divine, and hot, that anyone who gets near is instantly vaporized or goes blind or something.  so she takes a human form to better interact with her people. she is also constantly sunburnt and all her hair is sunbleached because of this, and she is like burning hot to the touch. and also glows in the dark lol. so poppy's character is going to be a moth girl since moths are attracted to light. and we're gonna have a giant beautiful royal minecraft wedding and i will hold all 4 of her hands !!!!!!!!

i talked all about that with her while at church. so at church me and my mom run this soda bar where we make drinks out of syrup and soda. its a lot of fun but i had to run it  by myself today since my sister was ill and my mom had a meeting. and i spilled cream and soda on the counter and ruined my reference menu...... and then the ice cooler pinched me AGAIN and i dropped it.

it was also the youth pastor's daughter's birthday today. she turned TWO YEARS OLD...... and we got cake.!!! and it was costco cake which is the best kind of cake ever in all the world. it's my favourite <3 <3

while i was sitting behind the soda bar though, watching everyone eat cake and talking.... I felt like.. really alone. More than normal. and i feel that way a lot in public spaces, especially school and at church. and i haven't done anything, these people have just known each other for several years or more. and it's hard to break into that.. especially sincei just got here like three years ago. i just wonder why i haven't made any friends there, or why no one notices me, or why i have had to try so hard to be included and wonder what made me different. 

i stilll hate that i crave that kind of attention, because i have it with people like poppy and rory and on our minecraft server. if you've ever seen that kind of thing in a movie where the whole hallway parts and the queen of the school walks down it......... that would be me. i sound like i'm very full of myself rn which i hate but my point is i have a lot of friends there and people know me. and in real life, sometimes i think i'm invisible. and i wonder why i can never reach out or why it's so hard to talk to people or why no one talks to me and why i'm ugly

ive been feeling so ugly recently that i can barely stand to look in the mirror . i just avoid it. puttng on makeup only makes it worse. i have never liked how i look except maybe my hair and my nose..... and i like the shape of my body. but, i also have an ed so like ..... how true is that statement?

after church my sister and her friend went to chik fil a. i heard a guy ask a girl for her number and she said no lol

got some sprite....... i don't really drink soda anymore but it was pretty good.

uhhh i think christmas might be my favourite holiday now. i was thinking about it and i think it's because how much people go all out for it. NOBODY skimps out on christmas and i think the theming is so fun BUT UGHH HALOWEEN

rory also asked me to pick a holiday that wasn't christmas or halloween. i said valentines day or new years...... i don't know what he's doing. i think hes making a calender ?

oh yea, izzy and i talked about names and name meaning today.... and i mentioned the beauty and the beast suselle thing i had swirling around in my head.... and then she wanted to rewrite lyrics to all the songs. one of them she thought of was like "now it's no wonder that her name means christmas, she's bright and joyful like the snow"

and that line keeps replaying in my head. my name also means christmas? and i really do want to bring happiness into the world. i work really hard to be as kind and nice and cheerful as i can. but i think i haven't done a good job of that lately and it's kind of eating me up inside.

kinda goin through a lot i guess but i can ignore it

or maybe i'm going through a little bit ????? i can't tell

something else that's been on my mind is how i respond to trauma? or like stressful situations? i know that's like a heavy thing to think about, but i'm kinda noticing what i think is called fawning. when fe left, i did everything i could to make them still accept me and not leave me. and when bloodstone was freaking out and yelling and threatening rory all i did was let him yell and tell him that it was okay you need to get your feelings out and omg rory is good don't worry about it he'll leave you alone!!!!!!!! 

oh yeah, my sister and her friend told me to play fnaf, to look for lore, but then they said maybe i shouldn't if i get scared of stuff like playing doors on roblox so.

also made some pretty notes,.,. made them green and red. i'm gonna go shopping tommorrow for some new pencils to use for them, and face moisturizer, and i guess look at clothes if i end up at target. but i will probably go to walmart

ONE MORE THING. i looked at that "raise up your bat" song that plays on one of the deltarune pages and i'm sorry i know it has jingle bells and it was on noelle's blog BUT I HATE IT SO MUCH I CANNOTTTTT

alright, i'm gonna reinstall petz,,., get a chinchilla persian.,., name her princess.,.,. and look for matching icons for me and poppy

and get water i am thirsty..........

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Listening To: Olivia Olsen - Monster
Mood: Dejected
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