fucked up emo nerd idiot talks about sad stuff

Sometimes I go back into a self loathing state, where everything I do is wrong, I hate myself so much I could end it all out of hopes it makes everyone around me happy, hoping that they hate me as much as I do. I think it's a coping mechanism, that suicidal part, I just want to be reassured, but I can't ask and I can't express how I'm feeling. I started hitting myself with books earlier, anything heavy I could get my hands on because of one tiny thing. My sisters were around too, all in other rooms but I'm sure they heard it. I was so overstimulated, I don't understand. 

I have a red mark on my head from that, I was even thinking of fucking up being clean but it was just small things.. My sister spilled water on the floor (My mom was out for 2 hours) and I had to make sure she ate, she had only been eating sweets and my mom worries about her getting diabetes, I also was busy but had to watch a movie with my other sister, so much was going on and then I realized I messed up cause I gave her a sweet treat to have after she finished her food n she ate it before dinner cuz of course, she's just a small kid, then I went to the living room n started trying to crack my skull open lol. Nobody saw me, maybe my sister in my room (waiting to watch a movie) saw me but I just went nonverbal and hoped to god she didn't see. It's hard to control it, I don't hurt others but I sometimes hurt myself because I start feeling bad about myself then I think about the past and shit and it sucks but it's whatever 

I don't want to get like this again, it happened in January too, I was hitting myself and even did so with my heavy laptop on my head, in the dark. I was thinking of jumping off the balcony because I didn't want to deal with miscommunication, I didn't want to deal with not being heard, not being understood. My mom was telling me I was causing drama again and was more worried about the neighbours hearing (I understand really, I don't think many could help me.).

But all of the times, the drama was just me trying to die in my worst state of mind. I just want to be loved and understood. Even at 13 I had those times, I've always planned to end my life. But I've changed my mind recently, I don't want to.  At 10-11, I made it clear in my mind that I'd die at 18 or so. But I recently turned 17 and even if I can barely go out, I don't have any RL friends, I can always look forward to just anything new. I don't want to die anymore.

Since maybe April, I've convinced myself that I just need to forget. Over and over because when I remember my childhood and I get all fucked up and I've never even done drugs or alcohol, anything, all I have is my myself to drive myself nuts. In public I can't even hold back tears enough to not cry, the moment I think of I guess my dad in general hurting me and how lonely I am I just turn my face away or hide so people can't see and fucking sob because it's hard to not. I don't cry anymore because I've done so over and over and over, now I can talk about the past like it's nothing even if it's messed up. I don't think about it anymore.. My mom always told me just forget about the past, be positive, think about the present instead whenever I open up, I realize that she has been right. I just thought "You can't relate so maybe that's why you don't feel empathy or understand, and never will, you were never abused or bullied growing up, " (pathetic to think lol. idk I'm just convincing myself I'm shit right now)

I don't even cry often anymore, not even earlier, I realize that nobody can make me feel better or understand 100% I just kinda accepted it and I've let all of that sad stuff be buried now. I'm better now honestly, to me this isn't a cry for help it's sort of a vent but I just reflect on all of this stuff a lot. I'm also feeling pretty stagnant as always, really behind in my online schooling and I'd like to have spent my teenage years doing stuff, getting in trouble, having fun, but I've just been in my room facing my laptop thinking about the past and trying not to do myself in. 

I wish I had someone to relate to but it's alright really I'll just forget again, even if the world freezes for me and everything feels bad, it really isn't in the end