thought vomit #1 (vent: TW)

ima just say trigger warning lol idk I know some people are sensitive to this stuff so just a warning (ED, drugs)

so i don't think i have an ED. but my thoughts are so horrible with my body and food and have been like that ever since i could remember. I remember as a kid eating too much pizza and feeling so many thoughts and not just the normal "oh my tummy hurt" but like "why did i do that", "they are right i am fat, i have no control" Like a nine year old precious girl should never think that whether they are chubby or not or whatever. I think that memory also contributes to my fear/phobia of gluttony. I can't watch my 600lb life anymore because it makes me so uncomfortable, not because I think they are bad people but because i think i am them and i can feel the food in my stomach and the pain and the sweat. Its so weird. also my mom is on the heavier side so she instilled in me at a young age that i am genetically more likely to be fat and that i should always watch out so i dont end up like her. my mom is much better now tho, she understands that telling me that at such a young age was not the best and i understand she was just trying to help but now i think those things without her. i have that voice in my head even tho its been years since ive heard it. Smoking weed helps with my anxiety but obv gives you the munchies so when i smoke i eat more and idc but in the morning i hate myself. Im not fat i know that but i am trying to lose weight rn by counting calories. I have a disease that doesn't allow be to eat fiber, nuts, or seeds, all things that promote a healthy diet, right? lol norp not for me. also ive always been picky on top of that so with that mixture i can't eat very healthy so i turn to restriction instead. i even smoked cigarettes once and a while to curb my hunger. I don't do that now tho (mainly because its too hot outside to smoke but also i know it's a terrible idea). Anyways when i smoke weed my brain is so much nicer to me, it tells me i should enjoy my life and eat what i feel like. This is a conflicting statement for me...is it positive? Eat what you feel like... or negative? eat what you feel like. I don't know what i feel like, idk how to be thin the healthy way, the way i can sustain. maybe its just not meant for my body type (which is honestly probably the truth, im almost 6ft and built athletically thicker).  I just feel like i can't trust myself to eat the right thing and even more generally do that right thing which is its own issue. idk its all very strange and i grew up on the age of the internet where ED ran wild and no one knew what was going on(its still def out there duh just not in my sight). Pinterest and tumblr were not my friends in middle school lol. and i def feel myself slipping back into looking at that kinda thinspo media. im trying to be smart about all of this and know that being skinny wont make me magically happy. Im not even unhappy rn just battling weird thoughts and trying to be healthy the right way.

anyways im good lol just wanted to type that out of my brain, i hope if you read that you take everything i say with a grain of salt. You are more than your body and you are beautiful no matter your weight. we all are just trying to figure ourselves out :)