WHAT HAPPENED TO ZAIRE??? (EXTREME TW LIKE GENUINELY)

(BIG DISCLAIMER AFTER RECENT REVELATION. I TALKED TO MY EX AGAIN AFTER WRITING THIS AND I WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT THEYVE GENUINELY GROWN SINCE THIS POINT AND WERE REALLY JUST A TEENAGER TRYING TO GET THROUGH LIFE DEALING WITH THEIR OWN ABUSE. I MAY REWRITE THIS POST EVENTUALLY BUT I WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT, WHILE THEY DID HURT ME A LOT, THEY ARENT SOME EVIL VILLIAN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. THANK YOU FOR BEING UNDERSTANDING)

OK SO THIS IS GONNA BE LIKE. A BIG LONG COMPLICATED STORY THAT IDK IF I SHOULD BE SHARING BUT IM GONNA DO IT ANYWAYS

SO BACK WHEN I FIRST STARTED THIS ACCOUNT, I WAS DATING THIS PERSON WE'LL CALL "EX" (god i feel like a youtube storytime channel)

SO EX AND I ONLY KNEW EACH OTHER FOR LIKE A MONTH OR TWO AFTER WE MET IN A PIZZA TOWER SERVER AND LIKE. AT THIS POINT I HAD JUST TRULY GOTTEN OVER A BAD BREAKUP THAT HAPPENED AND I WAS FEELING GOOD AND CONFIDENT AND HAPPY AND ALL THAT

THEN ANOTHER PERSON COMES ALONG AND IM NOT IN CONTACT WITH THEM ANYMORE SO WE'LL USE THEIR ACTUAL NAME AND CALL THEM MILO

MILO AND EX WERE FRIENDS BUT THEY WANTED TO BE MORE THAN THAT SO THEY INVITED ME INTO A QUEERPLATONIC POLYCULE TOGETHER AND I SAID YES BECAUSE I WAS LIKE "WHATS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN" (a lot actually)

SO IM HAPPY WITH MY PARTNERS AND EVENTUALLY ME AND EX START DATING AND ME AND MILO KINDA JUST FAZE OUT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP

EX HAD TOLD ME MILO DIDNT LIKE ME BUT I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE A PERSONAL DIFFERENCE KIND OF THING

SO WE GO ON AND OVER TIME, I GET MORE AND MORE UNHAPPY WITH EX SINCE THEY KEEP DOING THINGS LIKE IGNORING ME, MAKING PLANS AND THEN CANCELLING EVERY TIME ITS TIME FOR THEM, SLEEPING PAST TIMES WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT, AND PLAYING THE VICTIM EVERY TIME I CONFRONTED THEM ON IT

(ok so this is the point of no return so just turn back now if youre uncomfortable with mentions of sexual abuse)

A BIG THING TO NOTE ABOUT OURR RELATIONSHIP WAS HOW SEXUAL IT WAS

LIKE WE WERE DONG HLVRAI ERPS BEFORE WE WERE EVEN QPPS IT WAS THAT VITAL TO OUR RELATIONSHIP (WHICH IS A BAD THING I THINK), AND SINCE SCHOOL WAS BACK UP WHEN ALL THESE PROBLEMS STARTED ARRISING, I HAD TO GO BACK ON MY ANXIETY MEDS THAT SURPRESSED MY LIBIDO

AND A LOT OF THIS MADE ME NOT WANNA DO ERPS OR ESEX OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BUT WHENEVER I TRIED TO SAY NO OR GIVE EXCUSES, THEY WOULD GUILT ME INTO DOING IT OR TRY TO REFUTE MY EXCUSES OR JUST IGNORE ME WHEN I WOULDNT DO STUFF WITH THEM

THEY WOULD MAKE ME SEND THEM AUDIOS OF ME DOING YKW JUST TO IGNORE ME AFTER I SENT THEM, LEAVING ME JUST FEELING AWFUL IN MY MIND AND MY BODY

AND WITH SUPPORT OF MY BEST FRIEND, I WAS PLANNING ON BREAKING UP WITH THEM

THATS WHEN MILO CAME BACK INTO THE PICTURE

THEY AND THEIR FRIENDS (ONE OF WHICH WAS A 21 YEAR OLD GROWN WOMAN) HAD ACCUSED ME AND EX OF GROOMING THEM AND TOLD IT TO EVERYONE THEY COULD, GETTING ME KICKED OUT OF MULTIPLE SERVERS AND EFFECTIVELY ISOLATING ME FROM ANYONE WHO COULDVE HELPED FOR WHAT WAS COMING NEXT

EX WAS ALSO DISTRAUGHT BY THIS (also as bad as they were they genuinely werent a groomer just a bad partner) AND I WANTED TO STAY WITH THEM BECAUSE WE WERE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WE HAD 

I HAD TRAUMA BONDED WITH THEM AND WE NEEDED EACH OTHER AT THAT POINT

BUT THAT MIXED WITH THE ABUSE LEFT ME LIKE. EXTREMELY VULNERABLE

I DONT WANNA SAY EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE ITS STILL A SENSITIVE TOPIC TO ME, BUT SOMEONE BAD ENDED UP GAINING ACCESS TO ME SINCE I HAD NO ONE TO GO TO (MY IRL FRIENDS AND FAMILY WERENT SAFE PEOPLE TO GO TO) AND SOME REALLY BAD THINGS ENDED UP HAPPENING. IM NOT EVEN SURE IF I HAVE THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW I FELT AFTER EVERYTHING

THE ONGOING ABUSE FROM BOTH SIDES LEFT ME FEELING LIKE. RUINED

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT EX HAD ENDED UP GETTING A NEW PARTNER AND PRACTICALLY ABANDONING ME FOR THEIR NEW FUCK TOY

I FELT LIKE I WAS NOTHING, AND AT THAT POINT I DIDNT CARE ANYMORE SO I BROKE THINGS OFF

I ENDED UP STAYING IN CONTACT WITH THEM, BUT WE'RE NO LONGER DATING OR QPPS OR ANYTHING AND WE BARELY EVEN TALK

BUT ALL OF MY PROBLEMS THAT I STILL HAD ENDED IN THAT BEST FRIEND I MENTIONED LEAVING ME AFTER 3 YEARS OF BEING TOGETHER BECAUSE THE ABUSE HAD CAUSED ME TO BE A BAD FRIEND TO THEM, AND I DONT BLAME THEM FOR LEAVING

SO THAT KINDA JUST LEADS US UP TO NOW, IN WHICH EX HAD REGAINED THEIR FRIENDSHIP WITH THAT (now 23 year old) WOMAN WHO HAD LITERALLY ACCUSED ME OF BEING A GROOMER WHEN I WAS 14-15 WITHOUT EVER GIVING ME AN APOLOGY

AND THATS WHEN I DECIDED TO COME BACK HERE

IDK IF ILL BE STAYING OR HOW LONG ILL BE STAYING, BUT I THINK I JUST NEED SOMEWHERE TO GO FOR A LITTLE BIT

BUT YEAH THATS A SUMMARIZED VERSION OF MY STORY, I REALLY HOPE EX OR SOMEONE ELSE DOESNT FIND IT BC THAT WOULD BE KINDA AWFUL

ALSO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT TRY TO FIND ANY OF THESE PEOPLE, IK THE CHANCES ARE LOW BUT STILL I NEED TO SAY THAT

I HOPE THIS SITUATION AT LEAST GAVE YOU GUYS AN INTERESTING STORY