⛧ ☽☾ 𝐀𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞. ☽☾ ⛧

Alone. The concept of being alone is a flawed ideology outright. If I, myself, admit to the feeling of being alone, yet there are hundreds of thousands across the world who feel a similar way. Then, that, in itself, is not being alone. The feeling of being alone is a shared experience and in that right those who feel alone are all unified by this single emotion of melancholy solitude. Isolated. Not only that, but you could be in a room of hundreds and still feel lonely. You could be surrounded by love and feel loveless. So, why does it still hurt so terribly?

I am not a lonely person. I have two friends I could ask to meet with at any time, but I actively choose not to. Maybe not actively. I don't reach out. I burn bridges. I'm not the type to message first to my friends 90% of the time. I guess I'm a bad friend in that regard. I've been working on that. Relationships require effort, and I simply don't have the energy to nurture those connections. It's not that I don't appreciate their presence in my life, they've saved me countless times. They make me joyful, but I cannot actively seem to pursue to foster those connections and grow a deeper connection with those around me purely due to a lack of energy and motivation to do so. I'm alone. Alone in the sense that no matter how many people I have on my phone, no matter how many people I have in my DMs, it'll never be enough. It'll never work out. The first few days they may enjoy my company or time, but eventually they'll come to realise that I'm not a reliable contact. Not to them. Not even to my own family.

I'm unreliable. I'm isolated. I'm in my head. That's just what I'm used to. My own company. I'm content living a solitary lifestyle, there's less to lose. I don't run the risk of letting people down, I don't run the risk of having to open up my soul and mind to then risk those thoughts and feelings elsewhere. I can keep them to myself, where they belong. Safe. There's only one person on this Earth who knows me more than myself, and that person does not have contact with me anymore. There's only one soul who I could trust more with my heart and soul, my light and my darkness. The person who knows the depths of my depravity, the depths of the void that I've spent years to fill. The person who I didn't want to hurt who ended up hurt the most. I know that I am not a kindhearted individual. I can be cynical, self-absorbed, egotistical, driven by desire in place of logic. My intentions are to remove these undesirable traits of mine and undergo a journey to lose myself so that I can be born anew.

I was a FANTOM. A ghost who was wandering without purpose, "living" a life devoid of meaning. It was all supposed to end with XIX. It was going to be my final premonition, my prediction was false, my wish never came true. XIX was only temporary. So what do I do with the days after? What do I do with the time I didn't even begin to imagine having? All this time. So much time. Then it struck me. I was no longer a ghost of a former self, if I even was that to begin with, and nineteen came and went like a blur and in the end I was left feeling bleak.

⛧☾༺♰༻☽⛧