feeling lost

I've been struggling with my love life. I'm scared to be close to someone only for them to leave me like I'm disposable, crumpled up like a piece of paper tossed and forgotten. Every urge i get to fall in love once im at the tipping point of saying fuck it here’s my heart i take it back running like they’re chasing me. Eyes open, breath palpitating, shaking profusely trying to save myself from heartache. I joke around that I want to feel that again but it hurts … alot i dont want to see the world gray and have my mind running in circles asking what's wrong with me, to lose sleep about it, wanting to cry but can’t… I try to love myself but how can I love myself if someone else didn’t want to.