remembering omo + why i'm here

i think i'm gonna end up deleting this post at some point but i kinda just wanted to get everything out there and maybe take some advice? and kind of process everything?????

the title sounds like my friend died. No he did not he just straight up left me 
but maybe it was for a good reason? I really don't know . It's complicated

tw ahead for sui + ed

so like i met my friend omo (that's not the name i called him, just a secondary name from his discord user) on the discord server for the minecraft server me and my friends run. (i should talk about all the stuff that happened to me as a moderator on there some time) we hit it off so good. like better than maybe anyone i've ever befriended upon first meeting them and we were almost inseparable. he was already friends with my friend achro as well and he and my best friend poppy were good together too so it was like a built in friend group. my friend snow(old name) got him on the friends server he made and omo actually became a moderator, coder, and developer of the new minecraft server we're working on.  hes crazy talented

me and him liked to talk over vc and i normally HATE vcing with anybody but i didn't mind with him. me and him and poppy made a survival minecraft server and we got on roblox and vr chat and he made a lot of art of us together. i started working on an art project too of me, him, achro, and poppy. (I thought about posting it here, but it's deltarune related and i tihnk i'm a little obsessed)

one night he talked to me about his past and some of the hardship he went through. i'm not gonna reveal it since it's personal, but it was a lot. he said i meant a lot to him and helped him deal with it better and reminded him of his childhood friend. he also said i remind him of noelle and then also basil from omori and ive never plated omori but i think basil dies or something????? and his whole backstory is really sad??? and people like him ????

well that was all in march april and may

may 21st snow sends me a message. ive known snow for 6 years now? maybe 7? he's always looking out for me and been there for me. hes like an older brother to me

the bottom line is that he wanted to talk to me about omo, but not just him. like our entire friend group (which is also the staff). so it turns out the childhood best friend of omo had screenshots of omo MANIPULATING him and his old friend group hardcore and openly admitting to it without remorse. stuff like making up people and saying they committed . yknow . and using that to gain sympathy and gain leverage on people. he started arguments on purpose. he made groups to purposefully exclude people. he said he should actually die so he could make his dad feel bad bc he hates his dad. he pretended to like the childhood best friend when they briefly dated, which by the way, was his biggest victim of all and suffered the most

and that could have been me.

he finally messaged me an hour after it all went down and he got kicked off the staff team and we talked. i said i didn't care about what he did because it was a year ago and i truly believe people can change. and he said he was just poison and was only going to hurt me. i think its a little pathetic of me to think this way, but i wouldn't care bc i cared more about him. maybe we were in love or something. I can't tell

regardless i said id support him no matter what he wanted to do and he said he was going to leave. and ididn't want to do that </3 but after that, we didn't message for a bit. the next day he left all of the discord servers and group chats

and one week later he unfriended me

and ididnt expect that to crush me but it did. and it made me relapse into my ed some. i think i was trying to feel like istill had control over my reality? i dunno, i'm still dealing with that. i was so upset over what happened and i still am . i dont understand why he did what he did. but maybe all the affection and care i had for him was just him manipulating me

this isn't the first time this happened. this patternKEEPS repeating. someone knew shows up; we become friends; they manipulate me to get something like romance or control or power or influence or something. snow has to come in and save me. i cry about losing them for a few months

idrk what to do
i just want my friend back

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i joined this site for a few reasons
some of them are like. Normal?
ive always wanted to beable to join old myspace and learn how to code HTML and have a little online journal and its been fun

i used to have another website that i'd frequent and i did for YEARS. like, since middle school or maybe earlier. i'm notgonna name it but it was a fanfic site and i met a lot of people on there that are signifigant to me. without it, idk if i'd be typing this rn or be the person iam today

i know that's really lame to attribute to a fanfic website. but if my life had a canon event, me joining it would be my canon event

well like 3 days agot they took away half the customization, the activity feed, and messages and groups are going away AND IT SUCKS SO MUCH. it's terrible and ive been loyal to this site for so long even when other updates came out that i didn't like. so i decided id only go on to finish the fanfic i had started years ago, since i think i owe it to myself to do that. and maybe see if they change the update and see some of my friends, and talk to them in different ways besides the messages

so here comes spacehey with almost all the things on it that i wanted in a little website i could call home. layouts, some chatting and forums, customizing.. the only thing id ask for is an activity post feed like what i used to have, but i guess bulletins fulfill that role? and, if it had a feed like twitter this website might lose what it set out to do or something so idk

the other website already feels like a ghost town, it's almost like pompeii, where people are fleeing on little boats taking only the most precious things with them (their friends) and the volcano explodes around everywhere

its sad. i feel like i've lost a part of my childhood. and i wish i could bringit back. AGAIN. relapsing into my ed to feel like i can control something

ive had a rough end of may but i hope june will be better :']