detriment of my own love

ofc this is the first entry of my blog 

well... to add background, i started my first relationship when we were just 15— young and immature, both were lacking experience as it was both our first

oh we were acting like we had it all, maturity and commitment— acting like we were the perfect couple compared to our peers

but of course, it wasn't like that, we were anything but. sure,  it started off healthy; but then it spiraled into toxic behaviors urging one another to admit fault for everything. both of us had our faults that led to its downfall, our insecurities cutting apart our relationship

i tried, so hard to keep it afloat— i believed that if i truly loved someone, ill give it my all to make it last; but he was the opposite of that. 

he kept ending it, yet he still said he loved me. i... was confused, how can he claim he loves me— yet keep doing things he knows will hurt me? 

i was spiraling deep, i couldn't recognize the boy i fell for, his ego turned big, he started neglecting me and forgetting i even existed, i felt so minuscule by the boy i loved.

yet even acknowledging his flaws and how he would hurt me, i still loved him, i still cared for him. all because he was the one i only loved, and i was afraid... to let him go

so afraid that i started indulging in harmful and concerning behavior, i was that desperate for him to care about me— that if i was in harm, would he show care? would he be concerned? heck i don't even know how i got to that point, i was so reliant on him.

and that made him let go of me, he got tired, enough of me, as he said, he didn't love me anymore n broke it off.

yet all of that, months after,  he came back to me, pleading me to take him back.

i...  still cared for him, yet i know how detrimental my reliance can be, i put boundaries to myself. 

i put walls bc i was scared of him hurting me again, yet those walls only worked in his favor and damaged me, i couldn't express myself... i started doubting that this was love anymore

i finally expressed with enough struggle and tears, yet, what i always got was a nonchalant response, 

like he... didn't care

how could he not care?

i thought— he loved me?

what a fkn fool i was, stupidity and irrational thinking wasn't my day-to-day thing but what the heck was i doing?

i was aware, i know his intentions and it wasn't good for me, yet why the heck did i let him? why? how could i let myself get taken advantage like that? 

for my own desperation,  i just— faded.

i let my own love for him drain, i accepted the person i saw in my eyes.

it wasn't attractive, it wasn't loveable.

i gave up fighting the losing battle i endured so long for.

i stopped caring for him, cutting him off when i finally struck my head hard enough to just accept it. 

as he said, he just didn't love me anymore.

so i just stopped loving him.