being stupid

I feel stupid. I always feel stupid actually, expect for when people around me are stupid, then i’m little Einstein. I think there’s genuinely something wrong with me, like all ive been is at the bottom of every food chain in every situation i’ve ever been in.

 There was this day in year two (when i was just six or seven.) I was part of that big group of girls - at least i thought i was. My teacher would tell my parents i’m always happy alone, that i would sit in the corner playing dolls by myself because that’s how i liked it. And she was right. It was fun as fuck. Anyways, I remembered the exact phrase i used, the exact spot on the playground, i looked up to all the beautiful white pretty Disney princess level girls playing at the top of the climbing frame. Our first ever test was coming up, I told them to ‘think on the positive side’ as my neck ached from looking up at them. All my ‘besties’ turned from to look at me. pitiful chuckles echoed out their god damn perfect mouths. “You know what that means?” So I returned inside to the dolls. Atleast the dolls don’t think i’m stupid, i thought to myself.

 I know that obviously i shouldn’t take this to heart, they were kids. I was a kid. But nether the less, secondary arrives. Just to put it into some weird perspective, i’m an average student. B+. I’m a fucking inbetweener at school, surprisingly not a loner. I actually never was i’ve always loved talking to strangers (well honestly i probably prefer talking at strangers) And again. Im ‘slow’ I’m ‘dumb’ i’m stupid. I don’t understand a lick of what anyone is saying. But at the same time, i do. I understand everything a million times better than these dumb fucks will ever get it. In your head, you’re the only one who has a brain. I yap constantly as some sort of way to prove i have thought in me, but who would have thought? It does the opposite. People like the fact that they can call me stupid, I know that because i like calling other people stupid. It makes us feel smart and special. There’s a fine line between stupid and incapable. I think people think i’m incapable.

 Im an actor, (not to be a fucking weirdo i swear i dont take it that seriously) acting is one of my favourite hobbies mainly because its something im actually good at and it makes me feel smart. So naturally, the second i slip up, i feel like i should give up. I know it’s bad but all that i’ve built up since was a child falls apart as soon as im not ‘the best’ because at the end of the day if im not the best. Im. Here we are again! Stupid. 

Im stupid. Who am I to argue? Everyone around me agrees. There is no point of thinking of the positive side. That wont make me gain consciousness. maybe, if im self aware im a little smarter. A little less. Stupid.