Feelings.

Hey. I don't know why I'm making this. It's 1:34am, june ist, 2024. I'm in my bed, hugging the blanket that my puppy, Mason, died in just a few weeks ago. It hasn't been washed. I know I should wash it because he had fleas, but it's the last thing I have of him. 2 days ago, on Thursday, I went out with my bff of 12 years, that was the first time we've seen each other since last year. I was happy. Yesterday, my mom cut my bangs, and I styled them. It's a donkey maid, I used to have it when I was a kid. It feels like a blast to the past. I know when I go to school on Monday, I'll be made fun of, maybe not to my face, but it will happen. I like it tho, it feels good to do something I want. I was happy. An hour ago I called my best friend of 3 years, we talked about relationships and laughed. He told me guy things and I told him what his crush could be thinking. I was happy. He cut the call to sleep, I was on instagram watching reels. I put my phone down, plugged it on to charge, turned to the wall and closed my eyes, ready to sleep. And then I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was happy, excited, and then I wasn't. I don't know why. I just want to be happy. I'm still hugging the blanket. Part of me wants to fall asleep with tears in my eyes, hugging the blanket, just to see if my mom would come in tomorrow morning and hug me. But I can't. Because I'm the "angry" child. I don't want to be angry. I used to buy snacks for my siblings with the last of my money, and 3 days ago I made my brother give me a dollar for a lollipop. I don't know why. I don't wanna be angry. I don't wanna be sad. What do I do? I don't wanna be me.