fourth hai ye

I think I am a narcissist. I sense that my ego is through the roof. I want that friend count to be in the billions.

I am insanely hungry for more in life. I am caught in this loop of ambition that devolves into being egotistical. 

My mother was a part of me until I was about 2, from a psychological perspective. then she became nothing  I am not my parents,

 yet I am my own father and mother.

If you fail to reconcile the "bad" mother and the "good" mother images kept split and separate until about 2, you're stuck in a loop trying to reconcile the two paradoxical elements. Normal, healthy people develop nuanced conceptions of others as sometimes good, sometimes bad, mostly good, mostly bad, etc. Narcissists literally can't do that. You're either all good or all evil, and how they see you shifts depending on their emotional state (like a baby).

The people who are into these weird ass fetishes are simply trying to construct fantasy environments in which they might transform the threatening, all-bad mother image into a situation where the inner child can confront the inner mother. Sexuality is usually the chosen mode of approach because it's 100% embracing and accepting. There's no possibility of rejection when someone is interacting with you specifically to sexually gratify you. 

 I am on these power trips that I want I need this constantly frothing over something until I get it.