note archive #1

i wanna be so much more than i am. 

i'm always pressing these thoughts deep behind my eyes, tucking them away. i am always filled with feelings to the brim, in a way that scares me to acknowledge, in a way where they threaten to boil over all the time. i keep a lid on things, or try, and everyone around me can see it, can't they? everything hurts me down to the bone, weaving through the muscle, weighing me down, sinking me further into this hole i've dug.

i want to be so, so much more than this. my feelings outweigh everything, they're bigger than anything i've ever created with my own two hands, than i've seen with my own two eyes. it all gets reduced to shitty poems (if you can call them that) and another half pat-on-the-back. a consolation prize for a consolation prize for a consolation prize that never makes up for anything, just slaps a cheap bandaid on top and calls it a day. somewhere in the tangle of it all, i exist. but only halfway. can i ever be more than this? i can't afford the energy it takes to maintain a basic level of self care, can barely meet my own eyes in the mirror.

i talk and i talk and i talk, on and on until it hurts too much, and i'm always in this groundhog day state of realizing that i'm the only one laughing at the joke. perpetual humiliation without knowing what the hell i'm even so ashamed of.