I feel like a total social outcast no matter what i do

I've never felt like i belonged anywhere. I always have to fight so hard to be part of anything and the second my effiort falters i have to do it all over again. 

I've been lonely my entire life. When i was younger i liked the loneliness, i would run away from people to be in my own bubble, i was weird, nobody actually liked me and it was so easy to tell. I was picked on my entire childhood, so many people hated me for absolutely no reason.

As i got older i realized i had to talk to people to have a social life, and i tried. I tried so goddamn hard to have friends, to be accepted in a group, to be seen as a fucking person for once and it just didn't work.

I had friends, i have friends, but not friends. No one that would pick me, or ask me to hang out or do things. I have never had a friendgroup, i only have the people i sit around with at school that all like eachother better than they do me.

Im scared to walk out of my classroom most days because the second i do im a target for absoluteluy everything. I hate every single person in this stupid place, and i have more than a year left before i can leave. Videos and pictures of me as a kid circulate everywhere, they ridicule me for how i acted, i can't go anywhere without being glared at or insulted.

Im a girl but i feel ugly when i present feminine so i present masculine, i dont fit in with the girls because of that, and i don't fit in with guys because no matter what i look like im still a girl. And im not funny, and im not cool, and i'm bad at sports, and im so awkward and i cant fucking talk to people. I have nothing going for me and even trying at all is looking increasingly pointless by the day. 

The people who share interests with me don't like me, im not good enough for them, i don't have enough friends for them. Even in circles that should theoretically be perfect, that are filled with poeple who suffer the same comments as me every day i just don't fit. Because i'm somehow different. I don't know what i do wrong. It feels like everyone around me can read minds and im the only one who cant.

I don't know if im too awkward, or too slow, or im just plain fucking stupid but i am utterly convinced i will never have actual friends, i will never fit in a group.

I hate this fucking city so much i never want to see anyone here ever again.