recently

life feels belgh 

i’ve been doing okay, my minds been doing a lot of thinking, it’s not the best and lately it’s just been getting me down but for the most part i’m doing well. lots of exciting things i think, i’ve been drawing lately, lots of eddsworld. i love it. 

lately i kinda just wanna lay in bed and rot, my mind kinda wanders a lot and then it starts thinking about some stuff. it doesn’t make me mad just kinda upsets me, i just feel like my brain is goo. i’m glad it’s summer, i get to hang out with friends yay, but i have work and lowkey i’m trying to really get my hours in, one thing tho, i would love to find a new damn job. the place i work at is just so ass, the people there are absolutely amazing, i love them and they are just like a big family, it’s just the setting of the place is HORRIBLE. our AC has been broken for like the past month, since i’ve basically started there, it’s gets realllyyyyyy bad and i get REALLYYYYY sweaty. there’s always ice cream on me or slush flavor things on me and it’s just so BLEGH. and always working and getting me so damn stressed waaaa and all that for just 8.50 an hour lol.

i’m not sure what to type, right now i’m listening to minecraft music, it’s nice calming, it eases my mind but since there’s no words it’s makes it hard for me to not wander off. there’s a lot on my mind, a lot i can’t talk about, a lot i can’t get out there. i guess one thing i can talk about is that i hate how sometimes i feel like a tool, like i feel i am only of use to help and do things for others, i feel like i have no personality. i’m sure i do, i know i do but sometimes it feels like i come off obnoxious. that sounds fucking stupid. 

i like the song hanging on the telephone by the nerves, i drew something to it but it’s just a small drawing. i wish i could make more with my art, i know i can and i will and i AM, i just wish i could get it out there but it never feels like my art has the appeal that others art has, my art doesn’t stand out, it doesn’t have that shine or color and it’s hard for me to get it. i feel below my peers and it sucks. i wish i could just get up there but even with all my practice it always seems like it’s getting fucking nowhere. it irritates me, it picks at me and i can’t stand it, it’s like everyone will always be above and not just in art in everything in my studies in my job in my life. i feel so low. so fucking down and pushed down. i hate the negative way i’m feeling and i know it’s going to pass but right now i just want to be mad, i just want to envy everyone for what they have and what i don’t. i just want to talk. i want a call. it’s unfair, it’s always unfair why them but not me never me. why am i always hidden away why am i a fucking embarrassment. how does everyone do it, i crave to not feel this way, it creeps up on me from time to time and i hate it. i feel alone. i miss the rain. i miss the way it felt on my skin. the way it made me feel. 

i’m done

goodnight

descansa