disconnecting

its hard to disconnect. i hate having to think about things and having no way to distract myself. i wanted to come back here since its such a calmer social media platform. not trying to sell me shit, not showing any ads, no discourse unless i specifically involve myself. its nice. i like the freedom i have over my own profile and how much creativity im able to put into it. i have a hard time writing, talking, or even doing anything about my own feelings. blog/journal entries from me are never consistent. im trying to disconnect instead of complaining and venting to my friends via discord every time i want to share something with someone. i hope im able to use this as a way to get certain things out without feeling the need to constantly talk to someone or be consumed by media. i feel like im constantly being sold things. i recently deleted tiktok and lemon8. i liked both of them, especially the fashion inspo that was lemon8 but i was always being sold something. or being told if i dont watch this video x amount of times im supporting genocide, killing someones pet, or dont care about homeless lgbtq+ youth. as a person with ocd im starting to realize these spaces can become unsafe for me when i dont set boundaries. not because i dont care about those subjects but because it will completely consume me until i am no longer allowed to participate in things. it took a year of therapy and ocd meds for me to feel like i wasnt killing the planet or supporting child labor by buying a couple things from target. or buying clothing new instead of always thrifted. i want to have more control over the things that i put in my mind. i dont want things to consume me and the only way i can do that is not by outright avoiding things and repeating the cycle but filtering out things that fuck with my head. i wish i could read books, gain knowledge by just sitting and looking at paper. but i could never pay attention for that long. i have so many books i want to read, so many subjects i want to learn but its impossible for me to do things to completion. even audio books make me exhausted. tv shows make me exhausted and so do movies. i have next to no interest in art, making music, fashion, learning new things, trying new things or doing anything. i have lost all creativity. i dont feel much sadness, i usually only feel shame. all of my friends, my family, they all have passions and hobbies and things they want from their lives. all ive ever wanted was to not be alive, i believe it was my first thought about life. i was 8 years old and i havent wanted to live since. i can help myself and learn to deal with my trauma, but the wishing is something that will never go away for me. i cant remember words sometimes, i cant remember names or faces, i cant remember things ive said, things ive done or activities ive been there for. i cant remember if ive brushed my teeth, what i ate this morning. i cant remember the things i loved and why i loved them. realistically i know its adhd and i need to get on non stimulants but sometimes i feel like my brain is developing holes in it. like dementia or something. sometimes i forget how to say or spell words randomly, like theyve just magically disappeared from my brain. its scary sometimes. i cant remember a lot of things about my friends and it makes me feel like a bad friend. i feel stupid around the people i love. and the people i work with. everything i do seems off and like ive forgotten something. ive forgotten all my passion. all thats left is confusion. why and how do other people have passions and interests? what did they get that i didnt? do they want to live? is that what im missing? do you have to want to live to have passion? sometimes i feel like im already dead, i try to fake passion and love. ive worked so hard to learn to not hate myself. but i certainly have never loved myself. i can recognize that i am a normal person and that i have no reason to hate myself. self esteem doesnt seem to be the issue. i just cant seem to muster up any interest. i wish i could. i wish i had something i cared about. at the end of the day i usually dont care about anything ive done that day. even if ive spent the whole day with friends doing things that are fun. i still dont feel passion even then. why do i not get to have dreams? i feel like im just a machine of a body with only the slightest bit of consciousness in my brain to make me human, but not enough for it to give me anything from it but the feeling of confusion.