late night thoughts

its midnight where im at rn, i probably should get some sleep but i cant. ive fucked off the internet for a few months and maybe ill end up doing it again? idk i do like spacehey, its different from everything. ive deleted sc, barely use insta i just use it to keep up with small businesses or artists i like. i like tiktok, just heard soon its gonna be banned in the u.s but i hate the mindless fucking scrolling, i really fucking hate the routine of that bc i just feel like im wasting my time. yeah theres funny shit and you learn new things and there always some new trend but fuck man i be feeling like im not doing shit with my life. nothing like idk meaningful to me or something i actually enjoy and i work too so even less time. i didnt give af about anything or anyone in my teen years, i just did whatever, zero hobbies or real interests, zero ambitions like a boring ass motherfucker and fucked around with the wrong people. i never feel like i can be myself. i really dont like myself or the mistakes ive made. yeah ik you live and you learn, tru, but the shame doesnt go away. i guess i cant learn how to forgive myself and sometimes it pops up from the back of my mind at random times. i hate it. but i do try, i have to at least do that. i probably delete everything again but spacehey. i know this shit got kinda depressing and it wasnt suppose to but these are just the thoughts i have that i never tell anybody. but at least yall dont really know me irl, thats the beauty of it. i probably should talk to my friends irl but i havent in months i mean maybe like once or twice just cus my birthday and there was a tornado a week ago lol. i just want to find myself and be a better person than i was yesterday. but yeah ill probably just jam out rn.