All the things I wish I could say, but can't, because you aren't really around

I'm on the hook. I was too accessible. I put out too quickly. I fucked up. I did something wrong and I don't know what. 

He's half ghosting me. I wish he would cut the cord, or jump right in. I can't do this half assed shit.

Now, he whom always has his phone in his hands, doesn't want to talk to me. 

He used to jump at any chance to talk to me. Now, nothing. 

Today I poured my heart out to him and he just said "that's the best thing I've ever heard"....followed by "it would be a shame of things didn't work out".... 

Yes, yes it would. 

I'm emotionally deprived. It's making me feel emotionally unstable. 

I can't tell if he's trying to chase me off. Make me go away. If he loves me. I just don't know. 

I'm sad. I'm fucking heartbroken. I hate feeling this way. He put his video games over me. Just like P does. Then he started saying "I don't feel well" as an excuse. AKA There's another bitch. Maybe not physically here to suck him off, but there's someone else. He keeps taking days off of work. Refused to fuck me for the first two weeks of this month probably waiting to see if he knocked someone else up. I should go get tested too just to be safe???? Maybe? 

I can't do it. I cant fucking do it. 

I might as well stay where I'm at and stack bags. 

I may be alone with my money, but that money will buy me a heater to warm the empty ass side of my bed, which is something no man has managed to do for quite some time now. 

I don't feel safe. I don't feel like I can lean into him. I'm too basic, I'm too annoying, I'm too easy. Idk. 

For the record, I was too "in love" and that shit knocked me flat on my ass. 

The sad part is, if he was all in, I would move in with him. If he was all in, I would probably move forward with things romantically, not care about the risk. I would let go of my reservations about getting married or taking someone elses last name. 

I know he's not all in though. So we're going to chat and maybe make out a couple of times, he will try to milk every last BJ he can get out of it.... Then he will switch departments. It will only be texting and thats falling off...

 Then he will just ghost completely. Never to be heard from again. He will put in just enough effort to not get fired for groping the shit out of his trainee. We will part ways as "friends" and I will never hear from him again. 

If I do it's only going to be because he can't afford his own apartment and needs help. 

I know my answer. I know I want him to be all in, but he won't be. I know I want it to be forever, but it's just not. I don't know if I will ever love anyone quite the way I love him. I'm grateful that he came into my life, but I am going to have the hardest time pretending this isn't going to kill what's left of the emotions i can still manage to feel.