Neurotypical beef -- Why is my masking not working?

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Being autistic is frustrating and every single day I wish I was normal so I could fully understand why the hell everyone functions the way that they do and I can be left alone. Being left alone is my one main wish in all of this because no matter what I do to mask, assimilate and follow the social rules of people who aren't on the spectrum it's like the people around me have a sixth sense and somehow know I'm different and make it a problem even if I'm minding my own business!

Year after year and social situation after social situation I'm consistently singled out as a pariah even when I work to the brink of burnout to push down any and all indicators of me being different. I stay out of the way, speak only when spoken to, make eye contact (even if it's like taking a dip in the ninth circle of hell), and keep rambles regarding my special interests to a minimum even though my brain is screaming at me to chime into the conversation with a factoid about trench warfare in 1916 on the Western Line when it thinks it could be relevant. I do all of this, destroy myself to the point where I'm barely anything but the mask, and yet I'm still hurt over it. I'm still treated like a nuisance, a waste of space and a subhuman oxygen thief simply for breathing the same air as these people. 

I went to sit with a friend to chat a few days ago, someone I have barely talked to in two years, who I have ZERO beef or interactions with btw, told me to "get the hint" after repeatedly telling me that every single chair at the table was taken (someone had left a few minutes before to grab something and I accidentally took that chair so I was like -- "well, fair enough I'll move" but he repeated it for every single place I tried to sit.). The sixth form was empty, NO ONE except us were staying after school, but this guy was acting like I was a roach that needed to be exterminated. Like I was beneath him. Subhuman. Disgusting. I wasn't gross-looking, I was well put together and actually kinda cute and stylish but even that wasn't enough to avoid it. You'd think lookism would help. 

The week before that, I'd found out from that friend I tried to sit with that the people he and the guy who hates me's friend group all hate me and apparently their reasoning is that I'm "weird". That's it, no other details. I'm just weird apparently, that's a big enough problem for them to go out of their way to be cruel to me. 

No murdering families, no spreading rumours, no actual proper reason. I'm just "weird". Even after years of playing by their stupid rules, they could still figure out there was something different about me and I'm made to feel shit about myself for it. 

This has been going on FOR YEARS, is there ever a point where people could actually just fucking stop and leave me alone? I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT IN PEACE! I've been receiving this bullshit since I began public school at the lovely age of 5 and I've been forced to lose myself just to survive. 

I really wish I could unmask and truly be myself but every time there's even a sliver of me out in the open, I'm immediately forced back into this false version of myself. Even some of my neurodivergent friends end up pulling me back in line. The ones I know have never had to mask, they've skipped through life with little difficulty and when I ask them for help with unmasking and maybe finding a sense of self, they act as if it's as easy as taking off a hat. It's NOT easy. 
Masking to me feels like I have a hot and stuffy plastic Halloween mask superglued to my face and no amount of acetone is making that motherfucker come loose and let me take full breaths. 
Every day I hope and pray that I'm liberated from this stupid ass prison and lowkey wish that out of principle, the people who have hurt me for being different despite my hard work, finish the damn job that they started. Being placed in constant fight or flight in social situations out of fear of blinking wrong is pure torture. It's like a hellish form of constant limbo that I NEED to stop. 
I want to live a normal functional adult life without being bothered by anyone and without any stupid triggers getting in the way of that. I wish I had a nice childhood I could remember rather than my brain repressing everything except the last two years. It would be NICE to be normal but only different in the cool music taste and fashion way, not the "literally wired different" way. 

Anyways: Buy gold, free Palestine and get that weird rash on your junk checked out. 

Peace, 

~Junie

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