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Hey internet friend, welcome to my blog, be prepared because i'm writing about my feelings here and they're a lot and a mess.
When i write something possibly triggering in the future there will be warnings.
In this firts post i'll introduce myself and my idea for this blog and let's start with what the fuck this will be about.
Last year i went through some awful things, i wanna write about the things i can't talk to anyone, i think this is a step foward to get over the traumas, heartbreak and suffering that happened to me in 2020, the pandemic fucked me but was not the only thing destroying my mental health.
Those things that happened, the people i was involed i feel like they're haunting me, hanging in the back of my conscience, whispering in my dreams, lingering in the dark of my mind, i hope that write about them will bring a light in the darkness and weakness to my demons.
Now i'll try tell you everything you need to know about me to understand the nexts posts:
Im a 22 years old girl, i am in a polyamory relationship for five years and living with my partner almost all of this time, i was born and raised in a small beach city in the south of Brazil, i always hated my hometown, i wanted to move to a bigger city since ever. I have blocked my childhood and most of my teenage years from my memory for some reason, i am mentally ill so i think something really bad happened back then that i can't deal and just forgot to keep living.
In the end of 2018 at the agr of 19yo i moved to a big city, for the second time because the first when i was 17 was a desaster and didn't lasted. My favorite city, the biggest of my state, two hours from my hometown, Curitiba, i moved there with my partner and we where so lucky to find a beautiful small apartment at a great price, i loved that place, was a recently build apartment there was a lot of natural light and breeze coming in the big windows, was perfect, i loved in there.
But when the adult life responsibilities hit me, my mental illness started showing even more, i started to stuggle with severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression periods. I could not keep a job due to all this struggles and mt partner was not paid very well so we lived paycheck to paycheck struggling to buy food and pay the bills, we only found jobs at malls or supermarkets who are very exploiting here, we worked 6 days week for 10 to 12 hours shifts, was hell, was exhausting, was emotionally draining but we where living in our dream city, around all of our old best friends and we meet so many new interesting people we where happy even though was so hard to keep up.
But it didn't last, i was only getting worse, no medical help, could not keep a job and we where getting in heavy debt and eating almost nothing, so we lost so much weight we where both unhealthy skinny. It got to a pont where we had to leave, so in January of 2020 we moved out and then thing got really worse and didn't stop worsening for the whole year.
So i guess now you, dear internet friend, knows what i think you will need to know about myself to read the next posts, if you are reading until here, thank you very much, leave a supportive coment if you want, it will mean a lot to me to know someone out there is willing reading my story. Subscribe to this blog if you're interested in what comes next, drink water and eat your veggies i care about you ❤️
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Jacqs<3
Hi, I hope you're doing better now! I also struggle with anxiety and depression, as well as BPD and other things. Keep pushing and carrying on because there's always good moments that are gonna come. I've can't remember my childhood and I've experienced a lot of s*xual viol*nce, gr**ming, bul*mia, self h*rm and I've attempted s*icide and I honestly just wanted the pain to end. I want to experience good things. I'm turning 20 in 2 weeks and I'm very afraid because my teen years feel like they weren't good enough and it was just full of trauma and surviving, but turning 20 doesn't mean that my youth is over or that I can't have good times. I'm leaving the country for the first time the day before my birthday, I've got concerts to go to and I finish my second year of uni this week! I'm also embracing my Afro Brazilian background, I'm also Nigerian and the connections between the two countries is beautiful so I'm glad that I have family and ancestors from both places. I'm trying to learn Portuguese since no one alive in my family speaks the language and I want to keep it going. All these things wouldn't happen if I didn't keep trying everyday. I know how hard it is, I fight against my mind everyday but remember that you are loved and it's always ok to reach out for help. I also struggle with a sense of self, so I'm trying to get into a hobby. Embracing my culture and hopefully starting pole dancing soon will make me feel better about myself. Remember that you are a beautiful person outside of your trauma. From one brasileiro/a to another, eu amo vc